:: the thinking spot ::

:: Sunday, February 22, 2004 ::

A full year has gone by since my last entry in this blog. I wanted to move on with my life, and this blog (especially the earlier entries) just brings back too much memories. I tried to start several new blogs, but obviously failed to keep them. haha. So here I am, on a Sunday, in exactly the same (blog)spot i was a year ago. I sure have a ton of catching up to do.

A lot has happened in the past year, I tell you. I feel like I've been put through the worse possible situation career-wise. And it all started when i realized that IT is definitely not for me(during my first project). Since my last entry, I have been in three different projects, all of which have made me come up with a consistent conclusion -> I don't enjoy my job. I find no joy in being a programmer. (even saying my profession makes me want to hurl) I feel like such a fraud pretending to know what I am doing, which is a tough thing to do in a world full of know-it-alls who think that you ought to know it all. Admitting ignorance has never been my favorite thing to do. But believe it or not, I have been forced to do so on one too many ego-shattering occasions. Fortunately, I don't give a rat's a$$ about what people think anymore...certainly not my co-workers. I just do what I can. take it one step at a time. I still feel like I'm in a bind most of the time, but I just put faith in the fact that in 10 months I will be free to pursue...well, whatever it is that I want to do with my life. But let's not go there right now...(as this will lead to rants and raves of an infinite length).
It has been a year, and it just dawned on me that I have known the guy in my last entry for over year already! That sushi experience was just too precious! haha :) I have gotten to know him a LOT since then. I'm still amazed at my boldness.. going out on a date with a guy I barely knew... I don't regret it for a second. :) He is one of the more pleasant things in my life. He is my source of positive vibes. LOL. He makes me happy. I don't know how he does it, but he makes me feel good about myself and life in general as opposed to all the ugliness that I see(in myself and life in general). So why am I not hooking up with him? and i quote from my previous post:I'm much too confused. I don't think I should be in a relationship because I'm clearly not ready or mature enough to be in one. I'll only end up hurting this guy. I can't do that because I like him too much. ...And now I think I've grown to love him. I don't know if I am in love, but I know that I deeply care about him. What's more is that he told me that he's fallen in love with me. The thing that I had wanted to avoid has happened. i just don't want to break his heart(any more than i already have, by shunning his 'proposals'). sigh. Why do things have to be so complicated? Or are they? Maybe it's just me. Maybe I think too much and i complicate things. Why oh why can't I just fall in love and give into love like any normal girl? Oh crap. Maybe I should just take baby steps... let things unfold veeeery slowly. For now, I will leave things as they are. And be the best friend I can be to him. Maybe it's even better this way, us being just friends. I seem to have a tendency to hurt people that I love. Anyway, like I always say: if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
My ex has moved on. LIterally. He's on the other side of the globe. And we are now out of harm's reach. LOL. Any illusions I've had of getting back together with him are shattered. Which is a good thing, I suppose. We tried to be friends, and it did work somehow. but it's sad because it's just too difficult to have the kind of friendship you'd expect to have with someone who you used to love(and vice versa). WHen being friends with your ex, it's difficult to draw the line between friendship and a reconciliation. I just hope he's happy wherever he is.... i truly do...
so much more had happened in the past year, i feel like I've come a looong way. But I also feel like I've got a loooonger path to tread ahead of me... sometimes it scares me, sometimes it excites me... sigh. c'est la vie. Oh yeah, I started taking French yesterday. Just in case I ever end up on the streets of Paris. LOL.
Well... so much for this entry.. au revoir!

:: Me 4:40 AM [+] ::
...

Haven't had time to blog last week. I was on another training that lasted for 4 days. Nothing much happened during the training...just the usual boring stuff. Anyways, I went out with this guy from work last Friday. Remember the guy that I was talking about a couple of weeks ago? Well, he asked me out. I don't know what came over me...but I actually said "Yes"..that fast! Maybe it was because he had the nicest voice, and he was so nice in chat... I don't really know why... but there it is.... I went out with him! I did feel pretty weird about going out with an almost total stranger. But there was something about this guy that made me trust him. So there it was. Let me tell you about my date. It has a rather hilarious side to it. He asked me what sort of food I liked, and of course I blurted out "Japanese!" without a single moment's thought. So he said we were going to this sushi place that he knew... which was perfectly fine by me. So there we were in an authentic Japanese sushi bar with all these Japanese men. He ordered sushi... and there it was... raw sea urchin, mackarel, squid etc etc... EWW! To be honest, when he said sushi... I kinda had california maki kinds in mind... those little rice rolls with crabstick and vegetables and edible things inside. LoL! I simply could not force myself to eat the contents of my sushi plate. Well, I ate the one with scrambled eggs, but that's it. So I got my date to eat most of my food! Hahaha. I know that sounds rather rude... but I just couldn't eat raw urchin... no way, jose! It was actually pretty humiliating...but he was very sweet about it...I mean, he even managed to chow down the rest of my food for me(at my request, of course). Hehehe. Can you imagine? He looked like he was going to hurl... but it was all very sweet of him. Kinda felt like he was my "sushi eating champion". hahaha. He kept apologizing for bringing me to that place and ordering inedible food... and promised we'd eat real food pretty soon...my choice. I told him I really wasn't that hungry... and so he said he'd make it up with dessert. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a great time with this guy. I sure did.. The thing is, I guess I'm just a little bit rusty when it comes to casual dating and all. I guess as nice as this guy was, I still felt uncomfortable, not because he made me uncomfortable... but just because I was not used to being with another guy after my ex. I guess deep down I felt like I was cheating on my ex...even though my friends told me I have no reason to feel that way since we aren't together anymore. I just can't seem to shake that feeling. So I went out with this guy and had fun... but I just can't let it go on...I can't let him get any closer to me... and me to him....because I know it sounds awful conceited of me... but I'm afraid that if we keep this up... there's a big chance that this guy might fall in love with me.... and I just can't let that happen. Not now. I'm much too confused. I don't think I should be in a relationship because I'm clearly not ready or mature enough to be in one. I'll only end up hurting this guy. I can't do that because I like him too much. WHat's weird is that even though this guy doesn't fit into my usual "type of guy"... It's really hard NOT to like him. Hmmm.. maybe I am maturing a bit. But I dont know. I hope things won't change between us. I hope we just continue to be friends.

On other things, I phoned my friend Jen last week. I told her off! I told her what a bad friend she'd been, and if she doesnt change...I don't think I want to be her friend anymore! I'm just so sick and tired of being brushed off like a piece of lint...especially when I'm problematic about something. So there. I hope what I said got through to her stubborn head. She sounded sincerely apologetic...but I don't know.... I guess I shouldn't expect much of a change...if I don't want to be hurt. I got my two other friends Ericka and Maia to start talking to each other again! I told Ericka that all it really takes is for one person to make a move...and the rest is history. I told her about my confrontation with Jen...and she applauded me for my courageous effort. I told her... why don't you do the same with Maia? So she did.. she called her up and now they're talking and emailing again! Isn't that wonderful?!?! :) I feel soooooo good. :)

So there.


:: Me 11:15 PM [+] ::
...

Valentine's day.. it's not as bad as I thought. It's just like any other day. We had a big lunch at Big Buddha because one of my officemates celebrated her birthday. Guess who I saw at the resto. THE GUY. He left just when we started to order. Of course he smiled at me as he left. :) So sweet. :) I chatted with him when I got back in the office (we were late of course), and he said I looked great! :) of course hearing that from him got me smiling from ear to ear. Really flattering stuff. He said that him and his friends used to stop and look (he actually used the word "ogle") at me walking by when I was back in my old building. hehehe. Really embarrassing stuff. Good thing I didn't know about it back then or I would've stayed stuck in my chair the whole day.LOL! It's very flattering though, I admit. sigh.
Anyways, one of my friends gave me some chocolate. It was awful nice of him. I hope that he won't start acting weird or anything. I'd rather have him as a friend more than anything. And there was this guy who actually asked me out to dinner. He seems like a nice guy, but really...not my cup of tea. Not to sound snooty or anything,just being honest. I tried to turn him down as politely as I could, but then he started pulling the self-pity stunt on me. I feel kinda bad about that. :( Well, let's just say..I got the message across.
I have a date later. It's with my ex. Believe it or not. He asked me out. Actually, he just wanted to hang out in my house and watch a dvd. I'd rather go out instead..I told him that...but he pointed out that there were too many people going out and there probably would be no parking space left... he does have a point. So anyway, we're going out later but we don't really know what we're going to do. But that's the least of my concerns. This thing with the ex is starting to be really confusing. I've forced myself to let go. And I think it actually worked! After more than 6 months of hard work, I finally feel like a free person! ANd then this. Or maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe this is just another friendly casual date...
Anyway, I'm going to have to wait and see.
So the nightmare of Valentine's day is finally over. I came to the office clad in black to shield myself from the sappiness of the day..(my friends thought it was inappropriate for the occasion- LIke I cared! hehehe)... The funny thing is, I realized, there were a lot of us in black, walking around in silent protest ... oh well... I survived after all. :)
:: Me 1:09 AM [+] ::
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I'm on cloud nine! :) I met the dreamiest guy two days ago. sigh...:) He came up to me and my friend at lunch and introduced himself. Now he's constantly AIMing me. I don't know much about him yet, just that he has the sweetest face. Seems incredibly intelligent too... and nice. I'm in heaven. Hahaha. Well, for now, at least. This might be one of my crush and burn episodes. Oh well. I'm aware that even the sweetest guys can turn out to be complete jerks. I'm ready for anything. :) well i won't go into any more detail.. I'll try not to make a big deal out of this. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be..
Anyways, I'm up for another training. Possibly to start tomorrow. Already!! Yikes!
:: Me 10:03 PM [+] ::
...

I'm blogging out of boredom. Programming just seems alien to me. It's giving me a big headache trying learn it. I think I'd rather learn Japanese or French than the fine art of creating software. Anyway, there're only 3 days left till Valentine's Day. Isn't it utterly peculiar of me to count the days till the dreaded occasion? Well...I've marked that day as the final test. If I can make it through Valentine's Day alive, then I know... I'm gonna be alright after all. I just know I can do it. I'm not going to be one of those pathetic people who send themselves flowers & candy just so they won't look pathetic on Lover's day. I'm not going to be one of those people who burst into tears at the sight of couples celebrating Lover's night. I'm going to be one of those people who'd be laughing at the smitten couples who feed off each others' plates with the same utensils... I'd be laughing at the people who can't seem to take their eyes (and hands) off each other.... I'd be laughing at the couples who argue over the silliest little things then make up a second later... I'd be laughing the the people who are in a state of panic planning what to give or do for their precious someones on Vday. I'd be laughing and thinking...I've been there and I've done that. And I shouldn't feel sorry for myself just coz this particular year, I'd have no one to celebrate with. Besides, I'm happy not being part of a pair. It's liberating in the truest sense of the word. But enough about that.

I'd finished reading Pants on Fire. A book Aaron sent from Sydney. I emailed Roni to thank her for the gift, but she hasn't emailed back. The book is hilarious in a Brit-Aussie-humor kinda way. It's about a girl dealing with being single after a 5 year engagement(thanks to her two-timing husband). She moves to Sydney from London and meets these peculiar characters, who eventually become her good friends. ANyway, she writes for a cool glossy magazine. Isn't that great?
Now I've started reading a book called Maya by Jostein Gaarder.. one of my favorite authors. SO far i've read Sophie's World and the Solitaire Mystery. I love his works simply because they leave you pondering on life's big questions. It might sound strange, but I find philosophy very interesting. I love the mystery of unanswered questions. Is there a God? Evolution or Creation? Fatalism and determinism vs. free choice. Life after death? etc.. etc. I know you're thinking.... what the hell for? Why concern yourself with things that don't affect you? Beats me. But I'd rather be a Joker in a pack of cards- daring to be different, a tick climbing up the rabbits fur instead of burying myself into the fur below, I'd rather be aware than oblivious to life and all its glory. That's Jostein talking, by the way...hehe..Ok.. I'm becoming strangely philosophical again. But that's a good thing, really. Anyways, I think Jostein Gaarder is a genius.

Well, gotta bury myself back in my rabbit's fur.... programming. sheesh.

:: Me 6:49 PM [+] ::
...

This totally sucks! I just got a call from Mega Magazine about a job interview on Monday. They've got an opening for Marketing /PR/Events assistant or something along those lines...MY LINES! It's too bad though, because I'm totally booked for the next two years... doing something that's beyond my capabilities, that's not even remotely in my field. ;( I think I would've liked working there. It's exactly the kind of job I was looking for. Lotsa hardwork & stress, low pay...but I'm sure I would've loved every minute of it. Oh well. *sniff sniff* I wonder if they'd be hiring two years from now. I wonder if they'd have space for a software engineer on their staff. Or maybe they'll take one look at my previous job on my resume and immediately show me to the door. They'd prolly put down "too geeky." Hehehe. I guess I just have to go with the flow of life...even though I am kinda in a bog now, with murky, stagnant waters. Oh well. If that job or profession is for me, then it'll be there when I get out of here. If I get out of here alive, that is. LoL! Funny though, how I'd just mentioned wanting to work for a cool magazine to a friend of mine, then I get this call. Isnt it ironic? Well, no use banging my head on the wall over something I can't do anything about.

On the brighter side of things, guess who suddenly sent me a message again. Dennis. He said he was out on training the whole week..so that explains his "absence". Not that I was anticipating chatting with him again or anything. I mean, I barely know the guy. I'm just curious about him is all. Honestly. He asked for my number. And I gave it to him. If there's one thing I'm sure of..it's that he's harmless. :)

I still have this darn cold! darn it. Somebody rang my office phone and hung up. Perhaps it was coz my voice sounded like shit and must've scared the caller away. I must have said something that sounded like "Hello, Good afterdood!"(as one side of my nose was stuffed up) How embarrassing. Anyway, I think I'm coming down with something. I think I'm going to be sick. Good thing it's Friday. That means NO WORK!!! :)

I forgot to mention. The freakiest thing happened to me the other night. I was sound asleep, and for no reason at all I just woke up, hit the glow button on my alarm clock and there it was --- 3:03AM. THen I went back to sleep. This number has been haunting me, I swear. It's been happening a lot. I glance at my phone..and it's 3:03 pm... or my PC monitor... what could it mean?!?! might be just a coincidence. But waking up in the middle of the night just to see that time flash on the clock's face?!?? Scary....

ANyway, gotta get back to work.



:: Me 1:11 AM [+] ::
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The brownbag didn't push through(or maybe it did but without us), much to our delight. To be honest, I’m not feeling so well. I'm actually feeling very groggy today. I have a nasty cold, that’s why. My nose is stuffed up, I can hardly breathe. My eyes are all teary. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I’ve been sneezing uncontrollably all day. And I’ve got this horrible, horrible voice. I wanna go hooooooooooooooooooome!! Geez, I hate being sick. I took a no-drowse cold tablet from the clinic, but it hasn’t taken effect at all. The only effect I see is it’s making me even more lethargic. I think the airconditioning’s aggravating my condition too. Anyway, I have to go. Sooooooo sleepy. Maybe I’ll nap for a couple of minutes.
:: Me 9:40 PM [+] ::
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