:: the thinking spot ::

:: Sunday, February 22, 2004 ::

A full year has gone by since my last entry in this blog. I wanted to move on with my life, and this blog (especially the earlier entries) just brings back too much memories. I tried to start several new blogs, but obviously failed to keep them. haha. So here I am, on a Sunday, in exactly the same (blog)spot i was a year ago. I sure have a ton of catching up to do.

A lot has happened in the past year, I tell you. I feel like I've been put through the worse possible situation career-wise. And it all started when i realized that IT is definitely not for me(during my first project). Since my last entry, I have been in three different projects, all of which have made me come up with a consistent conclusion -> I don't enjoy my job. I find no joy in being a programmer. (even saying my profession makes me want to hurl) I feel like such a fraud pretending to know what I am doing, which is a tough thing to do in a world full of know-it-alls who think that you ought to know it all. Admitting ignorance has never been my favorite thing to do. But believe it or not, I have been forced to do so on one too many ego-shattering occasions. Fortunately, I don't give a rat's a$$ about what people think anymore...certainly not my co-workers. I just do what I can. take it one step at a time. I still feel like I'm in a bind most of the time, but I just put faith in the fact that in 10 months I will be free to pursue...well, whatever it is that I want to do with my life. But let's not go there right now...(as this will lead to rants and raves of an infinite length).
It has been a year, and it just dawned on me that I have known the guy in my last entry for over year already! That sushi experience was just too precious! haha :) I have gotten to know him a LOT since then. I'm still amazed at my boldness.. going out on a date with a guy I barely knew... I don't regret it for a second. :) He is one of the more pleasant things in my life. He is my source of positive vibes. LOL. He makes me happy. I don't know how he does it, but he makes me feel good about myself and life in general as opposed to all the ugliness that I see(in myself and life in general). So why am I not hooking up with him? and i quote from my previous post:I'm much too confused. I don't think I should be in a relationship because I'm clearly not ready or mature enough to be in one. I'll only end up hurting this guy. I can't do that because I like him too much. ...And now I think I've grown to love him. I don't know if I am in love, but I know that I deeply care about him. What's more is that he told me that he's fallen in love with me. The thing that I had wanted to avoid has happened. i just don't want to break his heart(any more than i already have, by shunning his 'proposals'). sigh. Why do things have to be so complicated? Or are they? Maybe it's just me. Maybe I think too much and i complicate things. Why oh why can't I just fall in love and give into love like any normal girl? Oh crap. Maybe I should just take baby steps... let things unfold veeeery slowly. For now, I will leave things as they are. And be the best friend I can be to him. Maybe it's even better this way, us being just friends. I seem to have a tendency to hurt people that I love. Anyway, like I always say: if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
My ex has moved on. LIterally. He's on the other side of the globe. And we are now out of harm's reach. LOL. Any illusions I've had of getting back together with him are shattered. Which is a good thing, I suppose. We tried to be friends, and it did work somehow. but it's sad because it's just too difficult to have the kind of friendship you'd expect to have with someone who you used to love(and vice versa). WHen being friends with your ex, it's difficult to draw the line between friendship and a reconciliation. I just hope he's happy wherever he is.... i truly do...
so much more had happened in the past year, i feel like I've come a looong way. But I also feel like I've got a loooonger path to tread ahead of me... sometimes it scares me, sometimes it excites me... sigh. c'est la vie. Oh yeah, I started taking French yesterday. Just in case I ever end up on the streets of Paris. LOL.
Well... so much for this entry.. au revoir!

:: Me 4:40 AM [+] ::
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