:: Thursday, January 30, 2003 ::
Today is THE day. My stomach's doing flip-flops. I'm quite nervous about the whole thing. I feel like I barely know him anymore. I feel like I'm going on a first date with a total stranger! Which is weird, because he's definitely no stranger to me. Once he was my entire world. Well... I sure hope everything goes well. He's picking me up at the office at around 7 tonight. OH no!!! I hope he thinks I look alright. I'm worried that he might think I grew fatter or he might think I'm just unattractive. ;( It has been a long time since I saw him last. Maybe I'm being paranoid...But I can't help it! I'm a nervous wreck! I'm worried about every itty-bitty little thing. Is my hair alright? Does this skirt make my hips look bigger? Sheeeesh. I just want him to like me. As a friend, or whatever. Anyways, I just hope that we at least have a great time. Oh please please please...let us have a good time together. I don't know how I'll be able to take it if we didn't have fun. I mean, what if we end up not saying anything to each other? What if we can't find anything to talk about? What if we just don't "connect" anymore? What if he thinks"what the heck did I ever see in this person?"? NOOOOO! The worrywart me is taking over! Halp! If I don't get a hold of myself, I'll end up being too much of a wreck to enjoy the night. I know I'm not supposed to expect too much from this evening... but maybe Eka's right....all it really takes is a small flicker, a spark to light a fire. :)
:: Wednesday, January 29, 2003 ::
Anyway, on other issues. At home, my mom and my sister are still giving each other the cold treatment. I feel sorry for mom. She just wanted what's best for my sister, and this is what she gets. It's gotten worse now. My sister just wouldn't budge. This morning she apparently needed her allowance, but wouldn't swallow her pride to ask my mom for it. Crafty little sis took the cash from my mom's wallet without her knowing it. I wonder how long she can keep this up. My mom was furious when she found out of course, and vowed never to speak to my sis again!! Sigh...
I gotta go brush my teeth.
:: Me 9:20 PM [+] ::
I forgot to add something to my list of unfortunate events today. I got my pay slip and I just realized that those darn taxes ate a big chunk of my monthly salary! GRRRR! What is this world coming to when people lose their hard-earned money to tax?!?! ;(
:: Me 11:35 PM [+] ::
I'm having a lousy day. For starters, the cab driver weasled 60 bucks out of me. He claimed he didn't have change for a hundred... and I didn't have the luxury of time(I was already running late as it is-as usual) to argue or to find someone who can break the bill. The taxi fare came up to only 40 bucks... So I had no choice but to shove that hundred up the driver's #*&$)#*$)!!! Well... actually...what really happened was I told him "Thank you very much" in my most sarcastic tone. I don't think he got the picture though...because he drove away quite happily. GRRR! I'm getting angry again just thinking about it. You know what I think...he HAD change all along! That must be the ultimate taxi driver's con to cheat passengers out of their hard-earned money! The only day I don't have change on me and this happens! Just my luck. Anyway, if that's not bad enough...now my contacts are killing me and I just got this pair, for goodness' sake! Heeelp! I guess the air conditioning's zapping the moisture right out of my eyeballs and I've these horrible got bloodshot eyes! To make matters worse, I'm not feeling too perky because I think it's that godawful time of month again. The time of month when I look like I got run over by a truck or something...and I closely resemble a walking zombie. Sigh. And tomorrow night is movie date night. This is all wrong. I'm supposed to look my best tomorrow. I'm supposed to look soooo good that he won't be able to resist me. :( I guess it's just as well. Since I don't know IF we're even going out tomorrow... I haven't heard from him since last week. Chances are, he's forgotten about the date! Oh well. With my luck, that's very possible.
:: Tuesday, January 28, 2003 ::
I have to get back to work now. I swear, after this assignment, I am never, ever going to touch Microsoft Powerpoint again!!! Lol. If that's possible.
:: Me 11:28 PM [+] ::
I just finished the slides for the second book. There's just one more fat book to go. we decided to take a break before starting again. So I'm blogging out of boredom. Everybody seems to be chatting & emailing away. Too bad I missed Eka online earlier. She said she's got a lot of studying to do so she stayed only for a while... and it happened to be when I went downstairs to submit my requirements for the Amex credit card. tough luck!
:: Monday, January 27, 2003 ::
How do I feel right now? I am soooooooo sleepy. My eyelids feel so heavy. I planned to get a lot of sleep last night, but the Sex and the City trilogy episodes were on and I just couldn't miss it. I love that show. SPeaking of which, I just took this silly test that tells me which sex and the city character I am... or I'm like... and the results are:
You scored 50% Charlotte
You're a romantic at heart, strongly influenced by the intuitive, profound and sometimes naive Water Signs - Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. You're like a mother, a mystery and a poet all in one. Though on the surface you may seem innocent and all about seeking the good in people, beneath the surface, you hide secret yearnings for intimacy, for attachment and ideal love. You're looking for a knight in shining armour, a soul mate, someone who will complete you and tether you to the earth when you get carried away with your fantasies. You're super-sensitive, soaking up the moods of others; you're free with your emotions, crying at commercials and sad movies. You also provide a shoulder to cry on and open arms for hugs. Be careful that you're not so wide-eyed and trusting that you get taken in by some cunning wolf in sheep's clothing.
You scored 30% Miranda
You chose many of the same answers that Earth Sign, like Miranda, the cynical but pragmatic lawyer, might have chosen. Like her, you don't give your heart up to just anyone. She shies away from a relationship with Steve because he's 'just' a bartender, not something more conventionally ambitious or stable. Those with powerful Earth Sign qualities - characteristics associated with Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn - are cautious in love and seek stability and status over nearly anything else. Earth Signs provide a steady, realistic attitude and they can bring order out of chaos. You're incredibly sensual, and beneath that smart, expensive business suit of yours, you yearn for intimacy. But you are hesitant to give up your material needs, your career ambitions or your responsibilities for a passionate moment that might not turn out the way you'd hope.
You scored 20% CarrieYour answers peg you as a Carrie-type, much influenced by the Air Sign qualities associated with Gemini, Libra and Aquarius. Like confident Carrie, you're curious and perceptive, always seeking answers and never satisfied with the superficial. An Air Sign influence can lead to indecision and an avoidance of tough issues, like with Carrie and her on-again, off-again attachment to Mr Big. Forward thinking, incredibly intelligent and witty, you exude quirky charm. You'd be utterly bored by someone who's just a pretty face or a hot body - though you don't mind looking and flirting. You're more turned on by an equally smart and funny mate, someone who challenges your mind and makes you laugh. You love to talk, so you need a good listener who's open to playful and eccentric ideas about love and lovemaking.
You scored 0% Samantha
You identify with Samantha's bold and liberated Fire Sign qualities, characteristics associated with the Signs of Aries, Leo and Sagittarius. You're strong, audacious and larger than life - and you take what you want! Sometimes you can even be thoughtless and selfish, as you get so caught up in craving immediate gratification and excitement that you overlook someone else's feelings. Your personal style probably reflects your desires: sleek, low-cut, revealing just a bit more than might be considered acceptable. Watch out that you don't come on too strong, though. You could scare potential suitors off with all your drama. If you seek so much attention, the more basic qualities of the Fire Signs could be burned right out of the picture. Show less skin or cleavage and more of your creativity, your vibrant leadership skills and courageous generosity.
Well, not bad. I've got all the bases covered, huh? hehehe. But 0% Samantha!!! I don't know whether to be glad or sorry! LoL! Sometimes I wish I could be more like her. So unfeeling. But I'm not, and so I have to live with all the heartaches of life. I can't believe I'm 50% Charlotte though... I hate that girl. But it's kinda true, what the results say. Scaaaary!!! 30% Miranda.. sheesh... I'm glad I'm not that boring and stiff though. 20% Carrie.. well, I like Carrie's character..I actually thought I'd be all or mostly Carrie coz I can relate to her the most relationships, insecurities, and all. Oh well. So much for being a fictional character. hahaha. I'm gonna go surf some more.
:: Me 7:43 PM [+] ::
I'm back to my tuna sandwich lunch diet. Yesterday, mom packed me a delicious blue marlin teriyaki lunch! Mmmm. Now I just have to be satisfied with a cold sandwich. Which is perfectly fine with me, because at least I get to cut back on rice. Anyway, I just got back from facilitating an ongoing PeopleSoft training downstairs. Can you believe it? Me? A coach?? LoL! I can only laugh at myself. Oh well. I've been down there a couple of times and the people are pretty friendly. It's like, they look up to you and expect to find the answer to all the errors that they get. Scaaaary. I couldn't help feeling incompetent to be a coach. But I didn't do too bad. I guess. I mean, no one's complained so far. Anyway, that's done. This afternoon, I'm back to making slides! Thank god! At least that's one task I'm sure I can handle.
:: Saturday, January 25, 2003 ::
Hmm... well, what's new. My sister's still not talking to me, for some reason. I don't understand why she's so angry! I mean, all my mom and i did was give her some practical advice regarding relationships...and in return..we feel her wrath! Geez. Next time I have some wise words to share, I'm going to zip my mouth.
I guess there's really not much stuff going on. Well, there is that movie date on Friday...BUT, I'm not going to talk about that. I don't want to be too excited...in case it doesn't push through again. I had a dream about him again last night(i say AGAIN because I've had tons of dreams with him in it, even though my conscious mind has desperately been trying to "move on"). I can't really remember much, but there was a part that I do remember simply because that part made me feel soooooo good. I was holding his hand, and he was holding mine. Like he used to. It felt soooooo nice. Unfortunately, that stupid alarm clock of mine went off... spoilsport! Anyway, so that's that. I'm jolted back into reality. And this is what's real - I'm still alone. Yes, I know i know... I can deal with that now. I'm a stronger person..blah blah blah. So there.
Yesterday, we had our first Civic & Charity commitee meeting. Only four people showed up, plus two of the commitee heads. I'm glad I got in. I can't wait for the projects and activities to start. At least I'm going to be involved in something worthwhile. The things we planned on doing are: treat some orphans out to Enchanted Kingdom, visit a home for the aged, teach computer basics to public school kids, solicit books for public schools, do some fund-raising activities, do something for the environment(clean up the air) ,etcetera! :) I can't wait to get started. I don't know exactly why...but it gives me such a rush to do things to help other people. It's not like I'm some do-gooder, good samaritan-mother teresa wannabe... I'm not even close to being saintly. Hahaha. It makes me feel fulfilled somehow. I know other people find this charity stuff boring and cheesy... but I actually like it! Is that weird? Anyway, lunch is over so I have to get back to work. Maybe I'll blog again later.
:: Me 9:48 PM [+] ::
I'm blogging from home. I just had lunch and now I feel sick. I think I had too much to eat.. but I couldn't help it! We had chicken teriyaki, which is currently my favorite dish. And guess what.. I made it myself! I got the recipe from Chi's mom. I made it from scratch. It was really very simple. You just cut some chicken breasts into strips and then marinade them in a mixture of soy sauce, sugar, ground pepper, minced ginger, lemon juice, and garlic. Then it's off to the stove! You just let the chicken cook until the sauce runs dry, and then you pour in some more of the marinade mix. And voila!!! Chicken teriyaki ala amy! hehehe. I am so proud of myself! It wasn't bad...wasn't bad at all. Of course it wasn't perfect, but hey, it was only my first attempt. I think I'm starting to dig cooking. Maybe I'll download some more scrumptuous recipes and try them out just for the heck of it! Well, I have to learn to cook sooner or later. Who knows? Maybe I'll learn to cook loads of delicious dishes and be such a great cook that people will pay for a taste of my gastronomic masterpieces! LoL! I just hope I don't end up eating all of my creations. Sheesh.. I've been having too much birthday cake that I think I've put on some pounds over the weekend. Did I mention my co-workers also gave me a huge toffee/caramel/chocolate cake before going home? It was really nice of them. I barely know them.. I've only known them for a month or so.. but they're just so great! What great friends to have! I'm just sooo touched. sniff sniff. I guess that makes up for all the friendships I've lost over the years. But it still isn't enough to make up for one veeeery special friendship. Sigh. I guess I can't have it all.
:: Friday, January 24, 2003 ::
I hate Sunday afternoons. It's so serene and quiet. Feels like the whole world just stopped moving! It's almost surreal. I guess it is a nice contrast from the daily noise. It feels lonelier is all.
Well, I've got something to look forward to. Next Friday, I have a movie date with "him". I'm excited. I'm nervous. I miss him so much that I'd be happy just to see him again! For some reason, he called me up on my birthday after that one liner he sent. I actually had the audacity to ask him out! I guess I just miss him so that I don't care about "appearances" anymore. SO what if I seem too eager...too clingy...too pathetic? I don't care about that anymore. All I want is to be with him again. Okay. I promised myself not to put myself up for more disappointment. So I'm really not going to expect anything from our little date. WHat I want is just to have a perfect time together. I just want us to have fun together. That's all. I won't pressure him to get back together or anything like that. I mean, there's no use in forcing things, right? If he doesn't want to, then so be it. But I just want us to be friends. GOod friends, at least. If I can't have him back, I'd like to keep him as a friend at the very least. I guess it would be hard to see him with another girl. But hey, that's life. What am I supposed to do? Kill myself?!?! Nuh-uh...no way... not anymore! This is the new me! The better me. :) So maybe we'll keep the conversations light. Laugh a lot. Smile a lot. Joke around a lot. Tease each other a lot. Sounds like a plan to me. It's only Sunday.. and I'm already getting psyched over this! Shoot. I have to keep my cool. I am cool. I am confident. I can do this and have a wonderful time.
ANyway, it's weird how guys can seemingly sense when a girl is "single" or available. It's almost like I have this sign across my forehead that says "I'm single." I've been with a guy for 3 years, and other guys just kept their distance. But now, it's like they're everywhere!!! I don't mean to sound conceited or anything. It's just an observation. Besides, I'm really not into that whole dating thing right now. It's actually becoming sort of a nuisance dealing with unwelcome "wooing"(LoL!). I mean, I don't want to come off as a cruel, heartless, stuck up person. Why can't some guys understand that rejection is nothing personal? I mean, I'm sure these are very nice guys.. but come on, i can't force yourself to fall in love just like that. Especially if this girl's still in love with a certain guy. So there.. I feel really really terrible about being such a snobbish, horrible person! I appreciate the attention and all that, but I really don't want anything more than friendship with other guys. Right now there's only one guy I want, and I'm not sure if he even wants me. ;( I guess that's the irony of life. But I'm never losing hope. If we're meant to be, we're meant to be.
I feel like such a monster for raining on my sister's parade. She's just having such a blast with her boyfriend. I guess I got a bit jealous. Mom was telling her off for being so irresponsible..for coming home late... blahblah...and I jumped right in and joined her. I told her she better watch out, not to be too dependent on one person, to be her own person. Lately she's being such a mindless twit! I mean, she never goes anywhere without him anymore! Like she can't live without him! How stupid is that? Well, so there...mom and I were on one side...and my sis was on the other. I hate for this to happen. We just want what's best for her. And everything should be in moderation. Those two have become inseparable lately, it ain't healthy anymore. .. ok ok.. i admit that i am pretty jealous. Maybe I just see myself in my sister...the way I was 3 years ago.... the good old days.... the days of yore. I was soooo madly in love.... that I wanted to spend every minute with him . :( i dont know what happened. I don't know what changed. I guess time changes everything. I knew I loved him... but it wasnt the same anymore. Maybe our love had grown. But I saw that as a bad thing... but maybe it was just changing into something better. Now I'll never know... because I was too stupid not to wait for things to unfold... I'd cut off our relationship abruptly..and I never gave it a chance to bloom into something bigger. Waaaaaaaaah! I have to go.. cry.
HEAVEN - DJ SAMMY
Baby you're all that i want
When you're lying here in my arms
Im finding it hard to believe
we're i heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isnt too hard to see
We're In Heaven
oh thinkin about our younger years
there was only you and me
we were young and wild and free
Now nothing can take you away from me
we've been down that road before
but thats over now
you keep me coming back for more
Baby you're all that i want
When you're lying here in my arms
Im finding it hard to believe
we're i heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isnt too hard to see
We're In Heaven
We're in heaven
Now nothing can change what you mean to me
there's a lot that i can say
but just hold me now
cuz our love will light the way
Baby you're all that i want
When you're lying here in my arms
Im finding it hard to believe
we're in heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isnt too hard to see
We're In Heaven
Now ourdreams are coming true
through the good times and the bad
i'll be standing there by you
we're in heaven
love is all that i need
And i fnd it there in your heart
it isnt to hard to see
we're i heaven
We're in heaven
I miss my baby... :( I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare and be back in his arms. :( i gotta go now. :(
:: Me 10:56 PM [+] ::
Everyone's been greeting me a "happy birthday". So I guess I should be happy! My college friends had to go through a lot of trouble just to get this point across. At exactly 12 am, January 24th, they snuck up to my room while I was in deep slumber bearing a cake with 22 lighted candles. Imagine my surprise! I mean, I must've looked so silly. I did actually look ridiculous!! I was wearing two pairs of socks. On my feet...and hands!!! Before I slept, I'd smothered my hands with Vaseline petroleum jelly and stuck them in a pair of socks(bound to soften the hands, so I read somewhere). Hahaha. It was quite a laugh trip. But I was so touched! I didn't think they had anything up their sleeves. I mean, after the way I'd been giving them the cold shoulder(in a way). I feel so guilty. I HAVE to make it up to them somehow. So anyway, we ate the cake and then we propped down on the couch to watch Ring 0, which I'd seen just the night before. Those guys, they're the greatest! From now on, I'm going to work harder at maintaining this friendship.
:: Thursday, January 23, 2003 ::
Today, I've been faced with the same greeting. Happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday. My officemates gave me two roses. Sweet. Then we went out to lunch. My treat of course. I got a few phone calls on my mobile, a bunch of emails, and text messages. Some people who I didn't expect to call or greet me came right out and greeted me! Even one of my old college professors! It's a shame though, some people (my so-called friends) who I was sorta expecting a greeting from, well, they didn't quite meet my expectations. But the day's not yet over.
I guess I should be happy. I'm fortunate enough to have so many people who love and care about me. But honestly, I'm quite disappointed. ;( I guess I was stupid to have expected something in the first place. I just thought.. that maybe... well.. since it's my birthday anyway... that this one person would maybe do something special. But I guess that was a lot to expect. I mean, why should he? He has his own life now. And I'm not a part of it anymore. But it would have been nice though... It's crazy of me to think about things like this on my birthday. I mean, I'm only setting myself up for a huge disappointment. I should just stop daydreaming about a happy ending between us. Because I don't think there's one coming my way any time soon. He did greet me. Just a simple text saying"Happy bday, amy". Well, there it is. Happy birthday, Amy. But why do I feel like crying right now?
:: Me 12:25 AM [+] ::
I'm done! yahoo.. after 60 slides I am finally through. But.. it's far from over. We have 2 more very thick books to convert and the whole next week to do it. Anyways, wow.. for the first time I'm out of things to say. My mind's just blank. Or maybe my fingers just feel numb from typing all day. A lot of things happened this week. Well, for one.. there's a guy from work who's starting to get to my nerves. I mean, all his antics to get attention make me want to hurl. I suppose I should be flattered. But I'm not! And then .. I just found out that my crush's friend was asking for my AIM nick. Isn't that ironic? Why couldnt it have been my crush instead? ARGH! the heavens are against me!!! Oh well. I'm not really all that serious about that anyway. It's just a little crush I sorta forced myself to have just to get my mind off you-know-who. Pathetic but effective, i tell ya. So there. Maybe I could befriend this guy.. and I could be friends with my crush! And we could all be friends!! :) Wouldn't that be great?! Anyway, I guess I better go now. it's pretty late.
:: Tuesday, January 21, 2003 ::
:: Me 2:11 AM [+] ::
It's almost 7 pm and I'm still in the office. Why? Well, because I've got 30+ pages more to convert into Powerpoint slides by Friday! The job is relatively easy, but tedious. At this point, I have no qualms about tedious. Better dull and boring than challenging and difficult!
:: Sunday, January 19, 2003 ::
Something unexpected occurred yesterday. Chichi dropped off a basket of strawberries for me at home. Wasn't that awful sweet of her? I feel terribly guilty for being such a brat the past few weeks. I have to make it up to her. I guess I should try to settle my "conflict with the past" by myself without affecting other people who are part of the picture. I mean, really, only one person in the past is actually the root of all my hurt right now, so I should just focus on him. It's not fair if I isolate myself from other people who even remotely remind me of him. That would leave perhaps EVERYONE i know. Including my babies(my dogs). So forget that. I should just try to live my life as normal as possible. I'm capable of doing that. I'm doing it right now. It's been weeks since last our last contact. And I'm still alive and kicking. I think I'm getting better by the day. :) I mean, with all these stuff to do at work to keep me preoccupied..I won't have time to think about other things that I don't want to think about! Isn't that great?!
Other news. I'm psyched! We just MIGHT be starting our own business. A small cafe in Malate. My mom's friend wants to sell the rights - to my mom! And for a reasonable fee. I mean, for Malate which is a pretty good area for cafes, bars and the like. I haven't seen the place yet, but by the excitement in mom's voice.. it sounds like a really cozy little place. How cool can that be? I've always wanted to run a coffee shop. I'm already bursting with ideas for the interior design..and I haven't even seen the place! LoL! Well, at least I'd be putting my Business management skills to work..if ever that acquisition takes place. I hope it does. Please please please. I'm keeping my fingers crossed till that happens.
I'm proud of myself! I had just another sandwich for lunch! No rice. HAH! But the problem was, I got hungry in the middle of the afternoon. So I ran up the cafeteria to grab a bite to eat. Some pancit. It tasted pretty good. Probably a result of being delirious from hunger because the food upstairs..BAD!! Totally disgusting.
I think we're the only ones left in the office.. me and two of my cubicle-sharers. I better leave, mom my start worrying about me.
:: Me 3:19 AM [+] ::
It's Monday again. The weekend seemed to come and go this time without much effort from me to "dull the pain of loneliness". It was a rather serene two days. All I did was park myself in front of the tv and catch up on my sleep, only standing up to grab a bite to eat. Truly a pig's life. Maybe it's not the most exciting way to spend the weekend, but hey..I wouldn't have it any other way. Staying at home has its perks. For instance, you get to save money. Roaming around the malls would be a huge temptation for people with the "shopping bug". Whereas staying at home eliminates the risk of overspending on futile objects which are the fruit of impulsive shopping. Staying at home allows you to relaaaaaaaaax.......to let go of all pretenses....no mousse, no makeup, no pantyhouse,no contacts... the true you truly shines at home. Although it is a less appealing, less attractive sorta luster...hehe. Besides, there are a lot of things to do at home. Like read a good book, watch a nice film on dvd, eat whatever you want, play with the pets, bond with family...need I say more?
:: Thursday, January 16, 2003 ::
So there it is... that folks, is the reason why I LoooooooVE spending my weekends at home. Unlike most people, I don't need to go out to clubs, bars, or parties to have a blast. Speaking of parties... I think I'm on the verge of losing my friends. I just shunned two invitations.. one a birthday blowout and the other block party. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't feel like hanging out with people these days. I think I'm reverting back to my introverted self. I tried so hard to crawl out of my shell too. What a waste. I seem to have lost all interest in socializing. I wonder how long this phase'll last. I wonder if it this is only "just a phase". God, I sure hope it is. Maybe I just need time to myself. Away from the past. Away from people from the past. I hate sounding so melodramatic and mushy. But I can't help it. I guess as much as I try to seem cool and tough on the outside, my inner self just can't help turning to mush. And it's oozing out!!!!!!!halp!!!!!!!!! I just don't want other people to see my in this state, I guess. I can't pretend to be happy and all that with people from the past. They just bring back a lot of memories. I don't think I'm ready to "party" with them yet. I feel bad though..about seeming cold and distant. But oh well.. it's just a phase I'm going through. I hope.
Anyway, it's a Monday. I've completed the course on VB. It's weird. Everyday I feel dumber and dumber. Sure, I know I'm learning a whole LOT. But learning has also made me realize how much I don't know and how much I have yet to learn! Dang! I should've majored in computer engineering or the like instead of my useless business degree. It's right about lunch time. Mom packed me a cheese sandwich for lunch. I am tempted to store it in the fridge and buy myself a proper meal. BUT! I won't do that. I won't. I will eat my sandwich. I will be content with it. I am not hungry. The sandwich is enough. Hehehe. So much for mind power. Hmmm...decisions, decisions. Yeah.. i think I'll just stay in the office and blog or email or chat or something. I really really really need to lose weight. Okay, not weight, I'm light enough as it is for my height...but i need to shed some FAT..especially right around the lower half of my body. SO I'm making myself a promise. This week, I will eat sandwiches for lunch and skip dinner. Or perhaps, just a very light dinner? :) By the end of this week, I should look better AND feel better! Yes! I think I spotted Eka online. At least I'd have a diversion. I hope she's here. HOLY SHIT!! I don't believe it! I caught her sister instead and guess what. She's out on a date!!! Omigosh. This I gotta hear about. How come she gets to go out on a date? ;( I better stop or I'll end up torturing myself again. I better eat my sandwich.
:: Me 7:52 PM [+] ::
Mom arrived from Singapore yesterday afternoon. I was there to greet her because I took the day off. She left with one tiny luggage and she came back with that plus a humongous Samsonite suitcase filled with goodies among tons of utterly useless trinkets and gadgets(courtesy of dad). I swear my dad has no shopping sense whatsoever. He means well, but he almost always ends up buying us expensive things that we wouldn't dare to be caught dead in or are just plain useless. This time he bought enough calculators to last a lifetime! hahaha. I mean, what the heck would I do with a calculator? Anyway, the good thing is that my mom... much as she hates shopping... well, maybe not HATE.. it's such a strong word..much as she dislikes shopping... she found she had no choice. Thanks to dad's constant nagging for her to get her ass out of the hotel and shop for the kids, she gave in. Honestly, I don't think that was mom's idea of a vacation at all... but what could she have done, right? So anyway, they bought me a lovely white gold necklace with little diamond studs (which must have cost a fortune). I guess it's sort of an early birthday present. I also got a bunch of cool outfits... I have to admit, mom FINALLY got my taste right. hehehe. When I was younger she'd buy these godawful clothes and seem to think they were the latest in fashion! So I had no choice but to wear the hideous things once or twice..so as not to hurt her feelings. Now I'm perfectly happy with the stuff she got me! But anyways, of course my sibs also got their own goodies. It's pretty touching the way my folks went through all that trouble just to get us these things.. considering how they both felt about shopping. It's really the thought that counts here. I miss my dad. Although I'm quite used to him being away for the most part of my growing up years.. of course I understand.. him being a pilot and all... I just wish we all could've spent more time together back then....you know... now we've all grown up and it's hardly possible to get everyone to stay in one place. Oh well... the good thing about family is that we're bound by blood no matter what...so there... we're all stuck with each other for a lifetime..like it or not.:)
:: Monday, January 13, 2003 ::
:: Me 1:46 AM [+] ::
Another day at work. I've decided to blog a little before continuing with Chapter 10. This stuff is getting more and more confusing as I go on... sigh. Anyway, mom's coming home tomorrow morning! :) Finally... no more playing the role of mom! Nothing beats the real thing anyway. But really this whole week wasn't as bad as I expected. Turns out my siblings and I can be a pretty responsible bunch after all...but only when ABSOLUTELY necessary... hahaha. Oh yeah... guess what... today's pay day! Woohoo!!! Bummer though...the way the taxes eat up a huge part of the salary. It isn't fair! Where the hell does my tax money go anyway? Most likely into the hands of those filthy thieves we've elected as government officials! Grrr... Anyway, I've vowed to try to save money from now on. Seems I always end up spending my entire month's pay. I have got to try to control my cash outflow. Otherwise, I'd end up broke one day.. at the rate my spending's going. I've really got to save up anyway for bigger things...like maybe a vacation, an apartment and the like. I read my post last Friday. It's rather pathetic. I'm making such a huge effort not to think about him. It's crazy! But I'm surviving so far. Maybe all I need is a little more time, and I'll be A-okay! Be back later... I've got to work.
:: Me 10:58 PM [+] ::
It's Monday again. I've been busy the whole day...struggling to learn VB..with very little progress... I've finished chapters 6 & 7. It's 9 minutes past five so I think I'll allow my mind to cool down a little before I start heading home.
:: Friday, January 10, 2003 ::
Well, I've made it through the weekend alive. It wasn't that bad after all. I kepy myself busy with housework, and reading my new paperback. Housework! I can hardly believe it myself. Well, it certainly was better than staying idle and allowing my mind to fill up with sad thoughts again. Besides, the house badly needed some tidying up. First I gave the dogs a bath. For such small creatures, those toy poodles sure are a handful! I don't understand why dogs seem to have an aversion to bathing. I mean, I've always tried to make bath time as enjoyable for them as possible... even draw them a warm bath and shower. However, they don't seem to appreciate that fact and shake and splash and wriggle away all they want... i don't mind getting soaked but it gets exhausting chasing after a fully lathered up little dog...never mind three!!! So anyways, that took up most of my morning.... luckily, my sister was in a helpful mood so she dried the lil mongrels up...which involved the tedious task of blowdrying their delicate fur and then combing it till it's nice and fluffy and dry. I don't really mind doing all these things for the dogs coz they're my little babies. hehehe. THey're so cute and cuddly and sweet.... god i miss them.... !!! Sometimes I think dogs could be better companions than human friends. As opposed to humans, they love you unconditionally.... with all their heart.... and they ask for absolutely zilch in return! WHat more can you ask for in a friend? Well, sometimes they tend to get too demanding in wanting to engage in a game of fetch... it's their one addiction....that and KFC leftovers...hehehe. Oh, it gets a bit annoying at times.... especially when they scratch their little paws up and leave marks all over your legs while holding their bones in their mouths and wagging their tails expectantly... but scratch marks or not... it's always hard to resist the little dears. Anyways... the reason why I'm blabbing on and on about my dogs is because they're probably the reason why I made it through the weekend without being consumed by grief. Oh.. and another reason would be... I had my nose buried in my book. I was right.. it was a girly book. It screamed girl power from page 1. hehehe. THe heroine was pretty much like me... non-conformist...striving to keep her independence at all costs...even to the point of ruining her relationships. Anyways, I especially enjoyed the part wherein Alex(the heroine) hit rockbottom! Haha... I guess i'm twisted in the way i derive pleasure from reading about other peoples' sorrow... nah... i'm just bitter...anyways, I'm already doing overtime as it is.... i gotta head home..
:: Me 1:52 AM [+] ::
January 10, 2003 ,Friday 9:45PM
I am typing in Notepad because for some reason, I can't connect to the internet. The lines are apparently busy. So what else is new? I hate dial-up connections! I just got home so I've no choice but to wait until the darn thing connects. Obviously, I'm getting addicted to this blog thing. My friend Reychel and I went to the mall after work. Since neither of us wanted to go home yet... after all, it IS Friday night. So we just grabbed a bite to eat and then did a bit of window shopping. We spent most of the time at Powerbooks ..just browsing. I couldn't find any of the books I wanted so I bought this girl power type novel... kinda Bridget Jones-ish ...it looked good enough to read. My legs are aching from walking around the mall... then on the way home from the mall(because I couldn't get a cab). But at least I got my much needed workout. It was the loneliest thing... walking alone on a near-deserted path. I walked past this park where... this park where I've had a lot of fond moments.... I've never felt lonelier in my whole life. I felt like crying....:(
Despite all this, I think I'm much stronger now.... In the old days I would've just wished myself dead... but now, i'm handling it in a different way... sometimes I actually find myself thinking positively! Believe me, that's a HUGE improvement from the old me! Hahaha. I'm even trying to stop whining about my problem to everyone and everything (I even talk to my dog about this... at least he doesnt seem to mind) with an ear! I just realized what a drag I've been for the past months.... I've been wallowing in self-pity and frustration..... I've become such a big whiner that I think my friends have actually stopped paying attention to the things I've had to say....couldn't blame them though.... I mean, even I would stop listening to myself!!! hahaha. Well... I've significantly lessened talking about my problem...For a while talking about it has helped me deal with issue..and I'm sure it has been pretty entertaining to hear about for a while.... but now the story's gettin old.... it's time to move on. I can't keep on boring my friends... i'd lose them! haha. And I can't keep torturing myself like this. The former I can do... but the latter...well... it remains to be seen. It's like I involuntarily just think of something that would make my day miserable. I'd be perfectly happy... then I'd start to think of something to make me miss...him. Okay... here I go again. Well...at least I'm not complaining to ANYONE! haha.. so I'm just going to rant and rave a little...
WHat the hell is going on!?!? I don't understand anything anymore. Why does it hurt so much when the person you love doesn't love you back anymore? Why can't you just find another person to love? Right? Sounds simple enough...I mean, there's plenty of fish in the sea.... it'd be easy to hook one up.... BUT.... I don't wanna!!!!!!!!!! It's crazy... but I just don't want to! I did this. It's all my fault... now he doesn't love me anymore... and he loves someone else.......... and l still love him so much.... and I don't know what I'm going to do. I told him how I felt. But I guess he doesn't believe me anymore.. I mean, why should he? Or maybe he believes me... but he just doesn't feel the same way anymore. This is all just so hard to take. I can literally feel my heart breaking every time I think about the past.. how it all was... it was perfect. And I ruined it. how could I have been so stupid! and selfish!!! I wish I could have it all back.. I miss him so much..... I think about him every second every day..... and I don't even realize I'm doing it.... this is terrible...I need to stop doing this to myself.
I feel a better now.... I think... I've been trying to look happy the whole week at the office...it's pretty hard to do.... I wonder if I'll ever move on.....I'm sure I probably will.... Anyway, I have to go... I'll probably feel stupid re-reading this post someday.... but at least I'm being true to myself at this exact moment. I guess this should be my last post for today...finally. I need to get some rest.
:: Me 6:56 AM [+] ::
Since it's Friday, I think I'll just finish up chapter 6 on Monday. Oh no... I'm still dreading having to go home to an empty house...well... it's one person short...but that's one VERY important person to be missing. I think I'll buy a book to keep me occupied during the weekend. Come to think of it.. i've yet to finish Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude (which I've read only halfway) and Laura Esquivel's Swift as Desire. The former I've stopped reading because I lost track of the names of the characters because they all had the SAME names(or at least VERY similar names with VERY slight variations). For instance there's an Aureliano...Aureliano Seguno... Jose Aureliano... etc etc... you get the picture. It's waaaaaaaay too confusing. Reading it is like reading some boring old history book wherein you have to take down notes in order to keep up. But it does have an interesting story... if you ever get past the confusion. Anyways... Esquivel, on the other hand, I've shelved because I got busy. And now I forgot all about the story... so I think I'll have to read it over again. But I don't plan on doing any of that now. I prefer to do some light reading... something hilarious perhaps. Maybe I'll get one of those silly parodies... like Bored of the Rings or Barry Trotter and the Philosopher's Scone. LoL! Yeah..that should be amusing. Or maybe I'll get Bridget Jones' Diary... I loved the movie so I'm bound to like the book... and there's a sequel to the paperback too! I wonder whatever happened to good ol' Bridget. Lucky her... she got her man. hahaha. Speaking of movies... Lord of the Rings is coming up... tomorrow! Strangely enough..I don't feel like seeing it at all. It's because I was supposed to watch it with someone special.... only now I'm not so sure if that's pushing through. I don't feel like watching it with anyone else..and I certainly don't want to watch it alone... so I don't think I'll watch it at all. Maybe I'll just wait for it to come out on dvd...which is bound to be a long time from now.. :( I hate it... I'm torturing myself. But I can't help it. okay....I simply have to switch topics again!! It's almost time to go home. yipee.... shoot! I just remembered... i'm going to have to walk around the mall alone if I'm going to get that book... and walking around the mall would mean.... more memories of walking around the mall with........oh fergit it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to get a life..do i? Sigh... I mean, look at me... i'm chronicling all my thoughts down on a website for chrissake! Well... at least it helps get the load off my chest...even if just a bit. Well..it's finally time to go home... so ta ta...
:: Me 1:34 AM [+] ::
This sucks. Still haven't finished this darn VB module. Still got 9 chapters to go. Oh well... I am bored........very bored. My back's aching so bad. And my legs are permanently cramped from all this prolonged sitting. I think I'm developing a varicose vein somewhere. Mom must already be touring Singapore with my dad right at this moment...lucky girl. She hardly gets out of the house...but when she does....does she get out!!! Lucky girl. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here... bored out of my wits. What's on my mind right now? Hmmm.... well.... there's this one song that keeps playing inside my head...which I could very well relate to...it goes.... stayin' home alone on a friday.... flat on the floor lookin' back on old love....or lack thereof.... After all the crushes have faded...and all my wishful thinking was wrong...I'm jaded...I hate it.... I'm tired of being alone... so hurry up and get here...I'm tired of bein alone!!!!!! The song says it all. I guess that's why I'm feeling so down. :( There's another song that I really like...it goes... back to you... it always comes around...back to you...... i tried to forget you....i tried to stay away...but it's too late....over you...i'm never over....over you.... there's something about you....it's just the way you move...the way you move me..... I'm so good at forgetting....and i've quit every game i played.....but forgive me love... i can't turn and walk away...this way.....back to you...yadayadayada.........Leave the light on ...i'll never give up on you....leave the light on for me too........!!! i love this last line...
:: Thursday, January 09, 2003 ::
Back to me
I know that it comes
Back to me
Doesn't it scare you
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be
.... isn't that just... lovely? It kinda gives me hope... It's been my song for someone for so long... he just doesn't know it. sigh...
well.. I better get back to work before I get any more emotional. :P
:: Me 12:22 AM [+] ::
aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!! I have to get back to work. But maybe in a while. I didn't catch Eka online today. She must be busy with her school AND work. I wonder how she does it. Seriously...I don't think I can handle that much pressure... worrying about two equally important things at the same time... I'd probably have a nervous breakdown in less than a week. And I really need to talk to someone too. Oh well. Lately I've learned to keep things to myself. I mean, if I blurt out every little emotion that I feel to everyone... they'd think I'm a crybaby or something. But anyway, that's what I'd been feeling lately... sad... beneath the frisky, happy-go-lucky facade...I'm just plain lonely. Which is pretty weird because I'm almost never alone because since I started work I've been surrounded by all these people. It's inexplicable. Feels like there's something missing. There was something Ericka said in Yahoo that stuck to me like glue... (pun intended) ..which goes...."you try to be happy, and you know you're happy, but you can tell that you're not AS happy as you were...it's like the glue that binds everything together...with the glue, you can just choose anything to make things better, but WITHOUT the glue, nothing can stick...did i just say something stupid?" No, it's not stupid at all. sigh.... I better shake my ass back to work.....LoL. Laters.
:: Me 9:38 PM [+] ::
Mom left for Singapore this morning. I was sad to see her go. But like I said... she deserves a break... after all, she has been working her a$$ off around the house. Sure hope she has a lotta fun. I guess it's all up to me now to prevent chaos from invading the household. I wonder if the dogs are being fed lunch. Hmmm.... my ol uncle's as reliable as a sack of beans... Lol. It's amazing how he fits all those bottles of beer in that squat physique of his. He's the only person I know who drinks that much and still doesn't trip over his own feet. Well.. he might be lucky in that sense, but I think all the alcohol he drinks has gotten into his head and affected his way of thinking. But enough about that.
I can't believe it's already Friday. For some strange reason, I'm dreading the weekend this time. I guess it has something to do with being left alone in the house. Of course my dear siblings will be out doing their thing. WHereas I will be stuck at home... perhaps wallowing in boredom. I will be back after a trip to the lil ladies room....
:: Me 8:51 PM [+] ::
Still at work. I've manage to move on to Chapter 4 of the VB course. Only 30 more minutes and I can finally head home and retire my tired, aching eyes. Actually... I think I've got less than 30 minutes left now than the last time I checked... I wouldnt know since I'd just shut off the darn clock at the lower-right corner of the PC monitor. It's driving me insane to look at the still digits....seemingly frozen for eternity. A minute does seems like eternity when you're dying of extreme boredom. So I think I'll just blog away till my 30 minutes or so are up... I can't really concentrate on what I'm reading anymore. Something's really plaguing my thoughts these days. But I refuse to give into these sad, depressing thoughts. I mean, there's no need for that. I've got my life to live now. I've got more important stuff to do than pine away for .... a person. Forget that.
:: Wednesday, January 08, 2003 ::
The reason why I'm blogging right now is to get my mind off that... so.........on to more important things. My college classmates are planning another get-together. I don't mean to sound like such a scrooge... but what the hell for? I mean, we weren't exactly all warm and cozy back in school... It's not like we were all the best of friends back then or something. RIght now they all seem so eager to spend all these time together... to do some "catching up"....it's only been like 4 months since we graduated! And already they want a reunion! What's with all this "missing each other" stuff? I don't get it. I think I'm going to have to cook up another excuse not to go. I feel bad...but I'll probably feel worse if I go and pretend to be all smiley and friendly when deep down I'm really squirming and raring to go. I sound like such a meanie. Maybe I ain't doing them justice by not giving them a chance?They do all seem so sincere in wanting to see each other again. Oh well. Maybe I'll have a change of heart someday... but not today though.
This sucks. I've done so much typing and there still is that annoying thought. I wish I could just forget it. I wish I could just turn off a part of my brain that stores all the memories that I don't want to recall......:(
I feel so sad....I don't know why..... I mean, I should be perfectly lucky...after the streak of bad luck/karma I've had...good things are starting to flow.....but why am I so sad??? I guess I better sign off now. Get ready to head home. Till tomorrow.
:: Me 1:33 AM [+] ::
Here I am again. At work. It's lunch and I've got some time to burn so I decided to post again. Well.. Nothing much happened since yesterday. Speaking of sh*tty things that I was talking about yesterday..... There's one thing that's still nagging my thoughts these days. I know I said I'd start over and all... But I guess that's easier said than done. Anyway, that sounds vague... But I'll get into that with more detail probably in my succeeding posts coz I just decided that I really don't feel like it right now. It's too depressing and frustrating. Talking about it would only get me down. And I'm actually feeling pretty frisky right now... that's a rare thing.... so I'd rather keep it that way. Even though the reason for this is probably just the cup of hazelnut frothe I just downed minutes ago. Oh well..frisky is frisky! hehehe.
Anyway, I chatted with my old friend, Ericka, from high school this morning. She's lives in LA now. We actually planned a vacation that we would go on in... say... 2-3 years from now when we'd have become fabulously rich and gorgeous! LoL! Well, there's no harm in dreaming. It's actually weird how when she lived here we never saw each other after high school... and I'm certain we never called each other up too. But then here we are now... thousands of miles apart.... and we're reestablishing our friendship by way of email, cellular phones, and IMs. Which just goes to show that technology can indeed do wonders for relationships! On the otherhand... technology's only a tool... but it's really up to the person if he/she wants the relationship to work out. Anyway... let me just sneak out of this relationship talk before I bring up some other things that I'd rather not bring up at the moment.
I just found out last night that my mom's pushing through with her trip to Singapore. She's meeting up with my dad who's undergoing some simulator training over there. Lucky mom. Well, she deserves a break anyway. She's leaving at dusk tomorrow and she'll be back on Jan. 15...that's next Wednesday. Meanwhile, I'm actually getting an anxiety attack right now from thinking about what's going to happen around the house while she's gone...coz guess who'll be left in charge! Well, i'm not exactly jumping for joy... it's not a priviledge... it's a curse i tell you. If my siblings think they are just gonna walk in and out of the house and come and go as they please...leaving me with all the work! HAH! well, they better think twice coz I'm ALSO in charge of the finances. LoL! So they better recognize or else they don't get any dough. Hehe... aren't I a meanie? Well... that sounds like a plan to me! Oh man.. but i'm actually going to miss my mom. She better bring me back some goodies !
Well, I guess I better get back to work. There's actually something to do now. Have to learn all this Visual Basic stuff in 7 days! I'm only in Chapter 2 so I better get to it. Toodle oo.
:: Me 9:25 PM [+] ::
New year, new start. A lot of sh*t happened in the previous year. Perhaps a bit too much. But let's not go through all that again. It's always a good to start anew... and what perfect time than New year to do just that. So here I am... only a week into the new year... and I guess you could say that I'm doing pretty well. For starters, I got myself a brand new job. I've been working for just a little over a month for this IT company. So far so good. I meanm, so what if I knew zilch about computer programming and such? They hired me, didn't they? It's their problem. LoL! Oh well... the really cool thing about this job is that you get all the training you need. It's like... you start computer school from Day 1. So I'm really not that far off from my colleagues who've actually got background in this industry. And I am learning a lot. Really. Mind you, I've never been this attentive back in college. If I had, I probably would've graduated with one of those latin awards. LoL! Anyway, who would've thought, right? Me, a programmer! That's a pretty far out image. I mean, I love computers and all... find them to be an utterly useful device and one of the most ingenious inventions ever. But to actually tinker with the internal workings of the taken for granted, user-friendly programs? Nuh uh. I didn't think so. I've always envisioned those Silicon Valley types as really geeky people who've lost their sense of reality and whose entire lives revolved around an electronic box. Au contraire... I never knew they could be cool people...ahem... Lol. Anyway, I still can't believe I've landed a job so quickly whereas most of my college peers are still in the enviable state of a seemingly permanent vacation. For them it's Hakuna matata...no worries... eat, drink, and be merry! But then again, some people are fortunate enough to not have to/need to lift a finger and still maintain a life of luxury and pleasure. I guess you can tell that I'm not one of them. But honestly, I don't mind. Back in school I was a permanent shade of green. I mean, to have so little in the midst of people who had everything... it hammers away at your self esteem. But then again, i never had much of that to start with anyway. I used to envy extremely wealthy people...detested them even. Life just didn't seem fair. But now I sorta pity them rich folks. I don't mean to generalize or anything...but most of their kind who never get to experience hard work are missing the very essence of living. Okay, enough of this... I'm getting strangely philosophical now. Yuck. I hate it when I'm philosophical. It brings out the worst in me somehow.
:: Tuesday, January 07, 2003 ::
So anyway, i've a job... i'm on my way to greatness!!! Lol! A little idealism won't hurt. At least I've started the year right. And for once I am darn proud of myself! :)
:: Me 12:36 AM [+] ::
hello! hmmm... testing.
:: Me 11:09 PM [+] ::