:: the thinking spot ::

:: Saturday, February 22, 2003 ::

Haven't had time to blog last week. I was on another training that lasted for 4 days. Nothing much happened during the training...just the usual boring stuff. Anyways, I went out with this guy from work last Friday. Remember the guy that I was talking about a couple of weeks ago? Well, he asked me out. I don't know what came over me...but I actually said "Yes"..that fast! Maybe it was because he had the nicest voice, and he was so nice in chat... I don't really know why... but there it is.... I went out with him! I did feel pretty weird about going out with an almost total stranger. But there was something about this guy that made me trust him. So there it was. Let me tell you about my date. It has a rather hilarious side to it. He asked me what sort of food I liked, and of course I blurted out "Japanese!" without a single moment's thought. So he said we were going to this sushi place that he knew... which was perfectly fine by me. So there we were in an authentic Japanese sushi bar with all these Japanese men. He ordered sushi... and there it was... raw sea urchin, mackarel, squid etc etc... EWW! To be honest, when he said sushi... I kinda had california maki kinds in mind... those little rice rolls with crabstick and vegetables and edible things inside. LoL! I simply could not force myself to eat the contents of my sushi plate. Well, I ate the one with scrambled eggs, but that's it. So I got my date to eat most of my food! Hahaha. I know that sounds rather rude... but I just couldn't eat raw urchin... no way, jose! It was actually pretty humiliating...but he was very sweet about it...I mean, he even managed to chow down the rest of my food for me(at my request, of course). Hehehe. Can you imagine? He looked like he was going to hurl... but it was all very sweet of him. Kinda felt like he was my "sushi eating champion". hahaha. He kept apologizing for bringing me to that place and ordering inedible food... and promised we'd eat real food pretty soon...my choice. I told him I really wasn't that hungry... and so he said he'd make it up with dessert. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a great time with this guy. I sure did.. The thing is, I guess I'm just a little bit rusty when it comes to casual dating and all. I guess as nice as this guy was, I still felt uncomfortable, not because he made me uncomfortable... but just because I was not used to being with another guy after my ex. I guess deep down I felt like I was cheating on my ex...even though my friends told me I have no reason to feel that way since we aren't together anymore. I just can't seem to shake that feeling. So I went out with this guy and had fun... but I just can't let it go on...I can't let him get any closer to me... and me to him....because I know it sounds awful conceited of me... but I'm afraid that if we keep this up... there's a big chance that this guy might fall in love with me.... and I just can't let that happen. Not now. I'm much too confused. I don't think I should be in a relationship because I'm clearly not ready or mature enough to be in one. I'll only end up hurting this guy. I can't do that because I like him too much. WHat's weird is that even though this guy doesn't fit into my usual "type of guy"... It's really hard NOT to like him. Hmmm.. maybe I am maturing a bit. But I dont know. I hope things won't change between us. I hope we just continue to be friends.

On other things, I phoned my friend Jen last week. I told her off! I told her what a bad friend she'd been, and if she doesnt change...I don't think I want to be her friend anymore! I'm just so sick and tired of being brushed off like a piece of lint...especially when I'm problematic about something. So there. I hope what I said got through to her stubborn head. She sounded sincerely apologetic...but I don't know.... I guess I shouldn't expect much of a change...if I don't want to be hurt. I got my two other friends Ericka and Maia to start talking to each other again! I told Ericka that all it really takes is for one person to make a move...and the rest is history. I told her about my confrontation with Jen...and she applauded me for my courageous effort. I told her... why don't you do the same with Maia? So she did.. she called her up and now they're talking and emailing again! Isn't that wonderful?!?! :) I feel soooooo good. :)

So there.


:: Me 11:15 PM [+] ::
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Valentine's day.. it's not as bad as I thought. It's just like any other day. We had a big lunch at Big Buddha because one of my officemates celebrated her birthday. Guess who I saw at the resto. THE GUY. He left just when we started to order. Of course he smiled at me as he left. :) So sweet. :) I chatted with him when I got back in the office (we were late of course), and he said I looked great! :) of course hearing that from him got me smiling from ear to ear. Really flattering stuff. He said that him and his friends used to stop and look (he actually used the word "ogle") at me walking by when I was back in my old building. hehehe. Really embarrassing stuff. Good thing I didn't know about it back then or I would've stayed stuck in my chair the whole day.LOL! It's very flattering though, I admit. sigh.
Anyways, one of my friends gave me some chocolate. It was awful nice of him. I hope that he won't start acting weird or anything. I'd rather have him as a friend more than anything. And there was this guy who actually asked me out to dinner. He seems like a nice guy, but really...not my cup of tea. Not to sound snooty or anything,just being honest. I tried to turn him down as politely as I could, but then he started pulling the self-pity stunt on me. I feel kinda bad about that. :( Well, let's just say..I got the message across.
I have a date later. It's with my ex. Believe it or not. He asked me out. Actually, he just wanted to hang out in my house and watch a dvd. I'd rather go out instead..I told him that...but he pointed out that there were too many people going out and there probably would be no parking space left... he does have a point. So anyway, we're going out later but we don't really know what we're going to do. But that's the least of my concerns. This thing with the ex is starting to be really confusing. I've forced myself to let go. And I think it actually worked! After more than 6 months of hard work, I finally feel like a free person! ANd then this. Or maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe this is just another friendly casual date...
Anyway, I'm going to have to wait and see.
So the nightmare of Valentine's day is finally over. I came to the office clad in black to shield myself from the sappiness of the day..(my friends thought it was inappropriate for the occasion- LIke I cared! hehehe)... The funny thing is, I realized, there were a lot of us in black, walking around in silent protest ... oh well... I survived after all. :)
:: Me 1:09 AM [+] ::
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I'm on cloud nine! :) I met the dreamiest guy two days ago. sigh...:) He came up to me and my friend at lunch and introduced himself. Now he's constantly AIMing me. I don't know much about him yet, just that he has the sweetest face. Seems incredibly intelligent too... and nice. I'm in heaven. Hahaha. Well, for now, at least. This might be one of my crush and burn episodes. Oh well. I'm aware that even the sweetest guys can turn out to be complete jerks. I'm ready for anything. :) well i won't go into any more detail.. I'll try not to make a big deal out of this. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be..
Anyways, I'm up for another training. Possibly to start tomorrow. Already!! Yikes!
:: Me 10:03 PM [+] ::
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I'm blogging out of boredom. Programming just seems alien to me. It's giving me a big headache trying learn it. I think I'd rather learn Japanese or French than the fine art of creating software. Anyway, there're only 3 days left till Valentine's Day. Isn't it utterly peculiar of me to count the days till the dreaded occasion? Well...I've marked that day as the final test. If I can make it through Valentine's Day alive, then I know... I'm gonna be alright after all. I just know I can do it. I'm not going to be one of those pathetic people who send themselves flowers & candy just so they won't look pathetic on Lover's day. I'm not going to be one of those people who burst into tears at the sight of couples celebrating Lover's night. I'm going to be one of those people who'd be laughing at the smitten couples who feed off each others' plates with the same utensils... I'd be laughing at the people who can't seem to take their eyes (and hands) off each other.... I'd be laughing at the couples who argue over the silliest little things then make up a second later... I'd be laughing the the people who are in a state of panic planning what to give or do for their precious someones on Vday. I'd be laughing and thinking...I've been there and I've done that. And I shouldn't feel sorry for myself just coz this particular year, I'd have no one to celebrate with. Besides, I'm happy not being part of a pair. It's liberating in the truest sense of the word. But enough about that.

I'd finished reading Pants on Fire. A book Aaron sent from Sydney. I emailed Roni to thank her for the gift, but she hasn't emailed back. The book is hilarious in a Brit-Aussie-humor kinda way. It's about a girl dealing with being single after a 5 year engagement(thanks to her two-timing husband). She moves to Sydney from London and meets these peculiar characters, who eventually become her good friends. ANyway, she writes for a cool glossy magazine. Isn't that great?
Now I've started reading a book called Maya by Jostein Gaarder.. one of my favorite authors. SO far i've read Sophie's World and the Solitaire Mystery. I love his works simply because they leave you pondering on life's big questions. It might sound strange, but I find philosophy very interesting. I love the mystery of unanswered questions. Is there a God? Evolution or Creation? Fatalism and determinism vs. free choice. Life after death? etc.. etc. I know you're thinking.... what the hell for? Why concern yourself with things that don't affect you? Beats me. But I'd rather be a Joker in a pack of cards- daring to be different, a tick climbing up the rabbits fur instead of burying myself into the fur below, I'd rather be aware than oblivious to life and all its glory. That's Jostein talking, by the way...hehe..Ok.. I'm becoming strangely philosophical again. But that's a good thing, really. Anyways, I think Jostein Gaarder is a genius.

Well, gotta bury myself back in my rabbit's fur.... programming. sheesh.

:: Me 6:49 PM [+] ::
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This totally sucks! I just got a call from Mega Magazine about a job interview on Monday. They've got an opening for Marketing /PR/Events assistant or something along those lines...MY LINES! It's too bad though, because I'm totally booked for the next two years... doing something that's beyond my capabilities, that's not even remotely in my field. ;( I think I would've liked working there. It's exactly the kind of job I was looking for. Lotsa hardwork & stress, low pay...but I'm sure I would've loved every minute of it. Oh well. *sniff sniff* I wonder if they'd be hiring two years from now. I wonder if they'd have space for a software engineer on their staff. Or maybe they'll take one look at my previous job on my resume and immediately show me to the door. They'd prolly put down "too geeky." Hehehe. I guess I just have to go with the flow of life...even though I am kinda in a bog now, with murky, stagnant waters. Oh well. If that job or profession is for me, then it'll be there when I get out of here. If I get out of here alive, that is. LoL! Funny though, how I'd just mentioned wanting to work for a cool magazine to a friend of mine, then I get this call. Isnt it ironic? Well, no use banging my head on the wall over something I can't do anything about.

On the brighter side of things, guess who suddenly sent me a message again. Dennis. He said he was out on training the whole week..so that explains his "absence". Not that I was anticipating chatting with him again or anything. I mean, I barely know the guy. I'm just curious about him is all. Honestly. He asked for my number. And I gave it to him. If there's one thing I'm sure of..it's that he's harmless. :)

I still have this darn cold! darn it. Somebody rang my office phone and hung up. Perhaps it was coz my voice sounded like shit and must've scared the caller away. I must have said something that sounded like "Hello, Good afterdood!"(as one side of my nose was stuffed up) How embarrassing. Anyway, I think I'm coming down with something. I think I'm going to be sick. Good thing it's Friday. That means NO WORK!!! :)

I forgot to mention. The freakiest thing happened to me the other night. I was sound asleep, and for no reason at all I just woke up, hit the glow button on my alarm clock and there it was --- 3:03AM. THen I went back to sleep. This number has been haunting me, I swear. It's been happening a lot. I glance at my phone..and it's 3:03 pm... or my PC monitor... what could it mean?!?! might be just a coincidence. But waking up in the middle of the night just to see that time flash on the clock's face?!?? Scary....

ANyway, gotta get back to work.



:: Me 1:11 AM [+] ::
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The brownbag didn't push through(or maybe it did but without us), much to our delight. To be honest, I’m not feeling so well. I'm actually feeling very groggy today. I have a nasty cold, that’s why. My nose is stuffed up, I can hardly breathe. My eyes are all teary. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I’ve been sneezing uncontrollably all day. And I’ve got this horrible, horrible voice. I wanna go hooooooooooooooooooome!! Geez, I hate being sick. I took a no-drowse cold tablet from the clinic, but it hasn’t taken effect at all. The only effect I see is it’s making me even more lethargic. I think the airconditioning’s aggravating my condition too. Anyway, I have to go. Sooooooo sleepy. Maybe I’ll nap for a couple of minutes.
:: Me 9:40 PM [+] ::
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I have arrived!!! Or rather.. my PC has arrived..hehe. I'm happily blogging away on my brand new, sleek, black(my fave color, only it isn't really a color but “the absence of color”), and very fast computer in my own conveniently situated workstation. I say conveniently because not only is it wonderfully located near the windows, but it’s also just a stone's throw away from the pantry where the coffee machine is. hehehe. Unfortunately, there seems to be a "mug shortage" in the office. Every time I open the cupboard it's devoid of those beautiful shiny black things. I must remember to bring my own mug to the office. And to eat the chicken sandwich mom made me yesterday before it rots away in the fridge.


From this day on, my blog shall have a lone audience. I didn’t really intend to have this blog read by anyone who actually knew me. That would’ve been way too humiliating. I mean, these are my innermost thoughts we’re talking about here! I guess I just trust Michelle enough to let her in on my “thinking spot”. I figured I’ve got nothing to hide from her. After all, she is my “soul sista”! Hehehe. Travelling with someone to a place far away from home can be an ultimate bonding experience. That’s what happened with Mich and I – we roomed together in Sydney and now we’re stuck like glue! Hehehe. Well, not literally, as we rarely even see each other. But really, how many people would I trust with all my thoughts?! So I guess we’re stuck on a much deeper level. For instance, it’s a given that anything I tell her or she tells me stays between us. So I feel safe that whatever sick, disgusting, embarrassing,deep dark detail she reads here stays hidden inside her sick, disgusting, deep dark mind! LoL! Besides, I got her to start her own blog so I can blackmail her if she tries to squeal. Hehehe. I’m so glad we reconnected after all those college years apart. The weird(but cool) thing is that even though we’ve lost touch for so long, our friendship seems to automatically update itself… it’s like, we just pick up from where we left off without any difficulty whatsoever… and we’re suddenly as close and chummy as we were before. Anyway, now we’re starting a new blog. We’re planning to write a story together. Just us... dumb & dumber…beauty & the beast… Rocky & Bullwinkle…the soul sistas…off on another adventure. If you call writing a dumb story that. Hahaha. Who knows? It could be the greatest story ever to be written.


Anyway, we had a brownbag lunch meeting today to discuss the PowerPoint slides that we’d completed. It was with all the other experienced IT people who’re going to “teach” the course. As usual, I felt dumber than ever amongst the smarter ones. Oh well. I’m really dreading getting rolled into a project. But it seems that everyone’s been getting that email marked “Assignment” these days. It won’t be long now…till I get that dreaded email myself. Oh no!!! I’m actually supposed to be studying Visual Basic 6 right now. I just got it installed in my PC… I think I’ll start tomorrow.


I’ve been eating too much again. First, I ate peach yogurt(my fave snack in world as of yesterday) but that doesn’t count coz it’s got zero calories in it(or so it claims). Then I ate mom’s beef teriyaki. Then I ate a huge Mr. Chips from the cafeteria downstairs. Then I ate two sweet tarts. I ate a whole pack of grape mentos, and now I’m finishing up the last pieces of orange Fruitella. Sheesh. I’m gonna be diabetic from all this glucose. Good thing they ran outta mugs or I’d be high on caffeine as well.


Well, I better go now. Get back to my “work”. Oops.. what do you know? It’s 5:30! Time to go home. Hehehe.

:: Me 1:28 AM [+] ::
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February 3, 2003 Monday 7:18PM

Finally moved to the 6750 building today. I must say I love my new workstation. It’s beside the windows and it’s got a nice view of the mini-park(and the mall and the Shangri La Hotel). I’ll never be bored just watching the cars and people passing by. Another wave of realization shot right through me as I stood by the window gazing at the scene in front of me. In the old days, just the mere sight the all-too familiar scene would have been a cause of a major breakdown. Images of the past would flash through my mind involuntarily, I’d soon be flooded with memories, and then find myself on the verge of tears. Amazingly, tonight I was actually able to stare right out at the scene and see it for what it truly was. Just a place. A place that couldn’t possibly hurt me. I can’t believe how ridiculous I’ve been all those months, shutting myself inside a cocoon, seeking refuge from places and people and activities which brought about memories. And when I was forced to crawl out my cocoon, I dreaded every moment of it. Well, I guess all I needed was time. Time heals all wounds, so goes the old cliché. I’m glad I’m finally over that phase. Or am I? Well, I’d like to believe I am. Although sometimes I find myself falling helplessly back into the pit again. Well, maybe I’m not completely over it, but at least I’m getting better. I’m dealing now. But seriously, I have to get over this quick. I mean, I’m 22 years old. I’m only this young and healthy once. I should make the most out of my life. From now on, there would be no more self-pity, no more tears… BAH… yea right. Before I get any more dramatic, I better change the subject.

My PC didn’t arrive at my workstation yet, so I had to temporarily borrow someone else’s and share a cubicle with one of the managers. It was very rotten luck because I couldn’t “do my usual thing” for fear of being written off as irresponsible and lazy by one of the big shots on my first day. So there I was, face-to-face with the PC with no choice but to work the whole day. Most of the 8 hours went to finishing those PowerPoint slides. I don’t think I’ve ever worked this hard back in the old building, where nobody gave a damn what we were up to. Back there we could slack off as long as we met the deadlines. Now, that’s what I call efficient use of time. Hehehe. To make matters worse, one of the bigger bosses kept dropping by the cubicle to shoot the breeze with the smaller boss. So I had no choice but to force myself to keep on working. What a terribly boring day. That explains why I’m blogging at home instead of work. I couldn’t even check my email, for chrissake! I couldn’t even chat. Not that I had anyone interesting to chat with today. Nobody interesting was online, if you know what I mean. What is wrong with men these days? Who says they can play hard to get? Isn’t that game normally reserved for the other gender? Sheesh!

Shit, this song’s playing on Mtv. “I’m jealous of the girl whose arms are around you… she’s a very lucky girl.” Well, lucky indeed! Sigh. 11 more days to go to final meltdown. If you know what I mean.. THE day is coming up. I need a plan! Maybe I’ll cook up something with Michelle. Maybe we can both be lonely together. That is, if she doesn’t find herself a man before then.

One of my dogs bit a baby last night. It was really quite scary! I mean, he almost got the eye too. I hope the baby’s doing all right. Well, I’ve learned a valuable lesson, babies and dogs just don’t mix.

I don’t think I’ve written a very coherent nor sensible blog here. I guess my brain’s just so fried. But I had to blog. I just had to! If only to vent and release stress. Oh well. I’m sure I’ll go nuts when I reread this someday and find so many spelling & grammatical errors.

:: Me 4:31 AM [+] ::
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February 1, 2003, Saturday Morning. 11:54 am
Here’s the scoop. Nothing happened. Nevertheless, we had a blast. I finally got what I wanted – to watch Lord of the Rings with my special person. We did have to endure heavy traffic, only to find out that that it was no longer showing at the Powerplant, so then we had to endure some more traffic en route to Greenbelt 3, and then sprint as fast as we could from the parking lot to the theaters just to make it on time. And what do you know…we made it! Just as the “The Two Towers” flashed across the screen. Just in the nick of time. Perfect. As I expected, nothing out of the ordinary did occur. It was the most ordinary date I’ve been on. It was so ordinary – I mean, we had dinner at McDonald’s – and yet, I had a great time! Okay, I admit that it was pretty unnerving at first. I didn’t know just how to act. I was afraid I would say or do the wrong things. But then when we started talking, it was like nothing had ever changed between us. We were as we were before. The jokes and the teasing started to fly, and we were just laughing and having a great time. We had fun! And I am happy. J It’s perfect. Maybe this is how things should be between us. For now? Maybe. For how long? That remains to be seen. The important thing is, I think I’m cured. I think Eka was right when she said this was THE date. But not in the same context she used. I think last night was THE date for me (not for us) to finally get beneath all this uncertainty and confusion that I’ve been feeling. To settle the conflict within me. Yes, I know I love him. (And maybe he even loves me too) But now I think I can really say that I will be able to move on, if destiny dictates the necessity to do so. And last night, I think destiny was screaming “Give it a rest, wait and see what happens!” Maybe there was a flicker somewhere, but I think destiny must have blown it out instantly. So maybe I will heed destiny’s advice. Maybe that doesn’t really settle things between US, but then again, maybe things don’t really need any settling. Maybe things are perfect just the way they are. Everything’s just as they should be. In the meantime, I’ll just continue to keep my special person in the place where he belongs, in my heart.

Speaking of things happening out of the ordinary, a rather nice surprise came my way in the form of a YM popup window. A message from a guy named Dennis. I don’t know who he is. Yet. (Yes, the word “yet” implies that I intend to get to know him better) I mean, I do have the slightest idea what he looks like, but not what kind of person he is. But he seems like a sweet guy. He certainly has a knack for believing in signs and fate and all that. He seems to think that “life is trying to tell him something” because I apparently seem to keep popping into his life. Well, if you can call bumping into each other occasionally in the hallways fate. We come from the same college. We even come from the same high school. This bits of coincidences drove him to believe and again conclude and say “life is trying to tell me something”. I even starred in one of his dreams. A cameo role. But still. I’d already forced myself to stop believing in signs because when I did, everything just seemed to translate into something and I couldn’t tell the real signs from the fakes that are brought on by wishful thinking. But maybe sometimes signs do exist and reach out to you when you’re not looking. Maybe the popup window was a sign. A rather obvious sign at that. The popup window was a sign that just happened to emerge on THE day.... “Maybe life IS trying to tell me something.”

3:35 PM
I’ve got a big smile on my face. I just got home from doing lunch with Michelle and Patti. We went to Fat Michael’s, a place that we all really dig. The place is small but ultra cool with a sort of laid back - bohemian interior with a lot of drapery, china and chairs that don’t really mix and match. You know, shabby chic-ish. Michelle took me there once and I instantly fell in love with it. And I even brought my date to that place once because I liked it so much. The food is scrumptious, but the service is so-so. I don’t mind though. Once you’re seated inside with some mellow tunes playing in the background, and the conversations are starting to flow, you tend to forget about everything else. The food is just a plus. This time I had Chicken Rosemary, Taco Salad and some Banana Split. Yum. Their prices are quite reasonable too. Anyway, the food was great, but it’s not why I’m smiling. It’s really quite a blast hanging out with girlfriends. I haven’t seen Mich in a couple of months, but it’s like no time had passed the way we carried on with our conversation. Yep, it’s a blast all right, especially since none of us are currently in a relationship. That means there was no sappy relationship talk, no boyfriend dilemma discussion, but just pure girly gossip fun! I don’t know why, but being with people who are in the same lonely boat as I am makes me feel somewhat less alone. And it’s really comforting to know that I still have friends like Michelle and Eka that I can count on to be there for me when I need them. It doesn’t even have to be a physical presence; just strong emotional support is enough to console me when I’m really down in the dumps. Girrrrrrrrrl power! LOL! I guess I really am lucky in friendship. So there. Now I’m back home. I think I’m going to spend the rest of the day resting and chilling with my dogs.
Yipee! I can post this blog once and for all coz I have my home connection up and running!

:: Me 12:33 AM [+] ::
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