:: the thinking spot ::

:: Saturday, February 22, 2003 ::

Haven't had time to blog last week. I was on another training that lasted for 4 days. Nothing much happened during the training...just the usual boring stuff. Anyways, I went out with this guy from work last Friday. Remember the guy that I was talking about a couple of weeks ago? Well, he asked me out. I don't know what came over me...but I actually said "Yes"..that fast! Maybe it was because he had the nicest voice, and he was so nice in chat... I don't really know why... but there it is.... I went out with him! I did feel pretty weird about going out with an almost total stranger. But there was something about this guy that made me trust him. So there it was. Let me tell you about my date. It has a rather hilarious side to it. He asked me what sort of food I liked, and of course I blurted out "Japanese!" without a single moment's thought. So he said we were going to this sushi place that he knew... which was perfectly fine by me. So there we were in an authentic Japanese sushi bar with all these Japanese men. He ordered sushi... and there it was... raw sea urchin, mackarel, squid etc etc... EWW! To be honest, when he said sushi... I kinda had california maki kinds in mind... those little rice rolls with crabstick and vegetables and edible things inside. LoL! I simply could not force myself to eat the contents of my sushi plate. Well, I ate the one with scrambled eggs, but that's it. So I got my date to eat most of my food! Hahaha. I know that sounds rather rude... but I just couldn't eat raw urchin... no way, jose! It was actually pretty humiliating...but he was very sweet about it...I mean, he even managed to chow down the rest of my food for me(at my request, of course). Hehehe. Can you imagine? He looked like he was going to hurl... but it was all very sweet of him. Kinda felt like he was my "sushi eating champion". hahaha. He kept apologizing for bringing me to that place and ordering inedible food... and promised we'd eat real food pretty soon...my choice. I told him I really wasn't that hungry... and so he said he'd make it up with dessert. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a great time with this guy. I sure did.. The thing is, I guess I'm just a little bit rusty when it comes to casual dating and all. I guess as nice as this guy was, I still felt uncomfortable, not because he made me uncomfortable... but just because I was not used to being with another guy after my ex. I guess deep down I felt like I was cheating on my ex...even though my friends told me I have no reason to feel that way since we aren't together anymore. I just can't seem to shake that feeling. So I went out with this guy and had fun... but I just can't let it go on...I can't let him get any closer to me... and me to him....because I know it sounds awful conceited of me... but I'm afraid that if we keep this up... there's a big chance that this guy might fall in love with me.... and I just can't let that happen. Not now. I'm much too confused. I don't think I should be in a relationship because I'm clearly not ready or mature enough to be in one. I'll only end up hurting this guy. I can't do that because I like him too much. WHat's weird is that even though this guy doesn't fit into my usual "type of guy"... It's really hard NOT to like him. Hmmm.. maybe I am maturing a bit. But I dont know. I hope things won't change between us. I hope we just continue to be friends.

On other things, I phoned my friend Jen last week. I told her off! I told her what a bad friend she'd been, and if she doesnt change...I don't think I want to be her friend anymore! I'm just so sick and tired of being brushed off like a piece of lint...especially when I'm problematic about something. So there. I hope what I said got through to her stubborn head. She sounded sincerely apologetic...but I don't know.... I guess I shouldn't expect much of a change...if I don't want to be hurt. I got my two other friends Ericka and Maia to start talking to each other again! I told Ericka that all it really takes is for one person to make a move...and the rest is history. I told her about my confrontation with Jen...and she applauded me for my courageous effort. I told her... why don't you do the same with Maia? So she did.. she called her up and now they're talking and emailing again! Isn't that wonderful?!?! :) I feel soooooo good. :)

So there.


:: Me 11:15 PM [+] ::
...

Valentine's day.. it's not as bad as I thought. It's just like any other day. We had a big lunch at Big Buddha because one of my officemates celebrated her birthday. Guess who I saw at the resto. THE GUY. He left just when we started to order. Of course he smiled at me as he left. :) So sweet. :) I chatted with him when I got back in the office (we were late of course), and he said I looked great! :) of course hearing that from him got me smiling from ear to ear. Really flattering stuff. He said that him and his friends used to stop and look (he actually used the word "ogle") at me walking by when I was back in my old building. hehehe. Really embarrassing stuff. Good thing I didn't know about it back then or I would've stayed stuck in my chair the whole day.LOL! It's very flattering though, I admit. sigh.
Anyways, one of my friends gave me some chocolate. It was awful nice of him. I hope that he won't start acting weird or anything. I'd rather have him as a friend more than anything. And there was this guy who actually asked me out to dinner. He seems like a nice guy, but really...not my cup of tea. Not to sound snooty or anything,just being honest. I tried to turn him down as politely as I could, but then he started pulling the self-pity stunt on me. I feel kinda bad about that. :( Well, let's just say..I got the message across.
I have a date later. It's with my ex. Believe it or not. He asked me out. Actually, he just wanted to hang out in my house and watch a dvd. I'd rather go out instead..I told him that...but he pointed out that there were too many people going out and there probably would be no parking space left... he does have a point. So anyway, we're going out later but we don't really know what we're going to do. But that's the least of my concerns. This thing with the ex is starting to be really confusing. I've forced myself to let go. And I think it actually worked! After more than 6 months of hard work, I finally feel like a free person! ANd then this. Or maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe this is just another friendly casual date...
Anyway, I'm going to have to wait and see.
So the nightmare of Valentine's day is finally over. I came to the office clad in black to shield myself from the sappiness of the day..(my friends thought it was inappropriate for the occasion- LIke I cared! hehehe)... The funny thing is, I realized, there were a lot of us in black, walking around in silent protest ... oh well... I survived after all. :)
:: Me 1:09 AM [+] ::
...

I'm on cloud nine! :) I met the dreamiest guy two days ago. sigh...:) He came up to me and my friend at lunch and introduced himself. Now he's constantly AIMing me. I don't know much about him yet, just that he has the sweetest face. Seems incredibly intelligent too... and nice. I'm in heaven. Hahaha. Well, for now, at least. This might be one of my crush and burn episodes. Oh well. I'm aware that even the sweetest guys can turn out to be complete jerks. I'm ready for anything. :) well i won't go into any more detail.. I'll try not to make a big deal out of this. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be..
Anyways, I'm up for another training. Possibly to start tomorrow. Already!! Yikes!
:: Me 10:03 PM [+] ::
...

I'm blogging out of boredom. Programming just seems alien to me. It's giving me a big headache trying learn it. I think I'd rather learn Japanese or French than the fine art of creating software. Anyway, there're only 3 days left till Valentine's Day. Isn't it utterly peculiar of me to count the days till the dreaded occasion? Well...I've marked that day as the final test. If I can make it through Valentine's Day alive, then I know... I'm gonna be alright after all. I just know I can do it. I'm not going to be one of those pathetic people who send themselves flowers & candy just so they won't look pathetic on Lover's day. I'm not going to be one of those people who burst into tears at the sight of couples celebrating Lover's night. I'm going to be one of those people who'd be laughing at the smitten couples who feed off each others' plates with the same utensils... I'd be laughing at the people who can't seem to take their eyes (and hands) off each other.... I'd be laughing at the couples who argue over the silliest little things then make up a second later... I'd be laughing the the people who are in a state of panic planning what to give or do for their precious someones on Vday. I'd be laughing and thinking...I've been there and I've done that. And I shouldn't feel sorry for myself just coz this particular year, I'd have no one to celebrate with. Besides, I'm happy not being part of a pair. It's liberating in the truest sense of the word. But enough about that.

I'd finished reading Pants on Fire. A book Aaron sent from Sydney. I emailed Roni to thank her for the gift, but she hasn't emailed back. The book is hilarious in a Brit-Aussie-humor kinda way. It's about a girl dealing with being single after a 5 year engagement(thanks to her two-timing husband). She moves to Sydney from London and meets these peculiar characters, who eventually become her good friends. ANyway, she writes for a cool glossy magazine. Isn't that great?
Now I've started reading a book called Maya by Jostein Gaarder.. one of my favorite authors. SO far i've read Sophie's World and the Solitaire Mystery. I love his works simply because they leave you pondering on life's big questions. It might sound strange, but I find philosophy very interesting. I love the mystery of unanswered questions. Is there a God? Evolution or Creation? Fatalism and determinism vs. free choice. Life after death? etc.. etc. I know you're thinking.... what the hell for? Why concern yourself with things that don't affect you? Beats me. But I'd rather be a Joker in a pack of cards- daring to be different, a tick climbing up the rabbits fur instead of burying myself into the fur below, I'd rather be aware than oblivious to life and all its glory. That's Jostein talking, by the way...hehe..Ok.. I'm becoming strangely philosophical again. But that's a good thing, really. Anyways, I think Jostein Gaarder is a genius.

Well, gotta bury myself back in my rabbit's fur.... programming. sheesh.

:: Me 6:49 PM [+] ::
...

This totally sucks! I just got a call from Mega Magazine about a job interview on Monday. They've got an opening for Marketing /PR/Events assistant or something along those lines...MY LINES! It's too bad though, because I'm totally booked for the next two years... doing something that's beyond my capabilities, that's not even remotely in my field. ;( I think I would've liked working there. It's exactly the kind of job I was looking for. Lotsa hardwork & stress, low pay...but I'm sure I would've loved every minute of it. Oh well. *sniff sniff* I wonder if they'd be hiring two years from now. I wonder if they'd have space for a software engineer on their staff. Or maybe they'll take one look at my previous job on my resume and immediately show me to the door. They'd prolly put down "too geeky." Hehehe. I guess I just have to go with the flow of life...even though I am kinda in a bog now, with murky, stagnant waters. Oh well. If that job or profession is for me, then it'll be there when I get out of here. If I get out of here alive, that is. LoL! Funny though, how I'd just mentioned wanting to work for a cool magazine to a friend of mine, then I get this call. Isnt it ironic? Well, no use banging my head on the wall over something I can't do anything about.

On the brighter side of things, guess who suddenly sent me a message again. Dennis. He said he was out on training the whole week..so that explains his "absence". Not that I was anticipating chatting with him again or anything. I mean, I barely know the guy. I'm just curious about him is all. Honestly. He asked for my number. And I gave it to him. If there's one thing I'm sure of..it's that he's harmless. :)

I still have this darn cold! darn it. Somebody rang my office phone and hung up. Perhaps it was coz my voice sounded like shit and must've scared the caller away. I must have said something that sounded like "Hello, Good afterdood!"(as one side of my nose was stuffed up) How embarrassing. Anyway, I think I'm coming down with something. I think I'm going to be sick. Good thing it's Friday. That means NO WORK!!! :)

I forgot to mention. The freakiest thing happened to me the other night. I was sound asleep, and for no reason at all I just woke up, hit the glow button on my alarm clock and there it was --- 3:03AM. THen I went back to sleep. This number has been haunting me, I swear. It's been happening a lot. I glance at my phone..and it's 3:03 pm... or my PC monitor... what could it mean?!?! might be just a coincidence. But waking up in the middle of the night just to see that time flash on the clock's face?!?? Scary....

ANyway, gotta get back to work.



:: Me 1:11 AM [+] ::
...

The brownbag didn't push through(or maybe it did but without us), much to our delight. To be honest, I’m not feeling so well. I'm actually feeling very groggy today. I have a nasty cold, that’s why. My nose is stuffed up, I can hardly breathe. My eyes are all teary. My head feels like it’s going to explode. I’ve been sneezing uncontrollably all day. And I’ve got this horrible, horrible voice. I wanna go hooooooooooooooooooome!! Geez, I hate being sick. I took a no-drowse cold tablet from the clinic, but it hasn’t taken effect at all. The only effect I see is it’s making me even more lethargic. I think the airconditioning’s aggravating my condition too. Anyway, I have to go. Sooooooo sleepy. Maybe I’ll nap for a couple of minutes.
:: Me 9:40 PM [+] ::
...

I have arrived!!! Or rather.. my PC has arrived..hehe. I'm happily blogging away on my brand new, sleek, black(my fave color, only it isn't really a color but “the absence of color”), and very fast computer in my own conveniently situated workstation. I say conveniently because not only is it wonderfully located near the windows, but it’s also just a stone's throw away from the pantry where the coffee machine is. hehehe. Unfortunately, there seems to be a "mug shortage" in the office. Every time I open the cupboard it's devoid of those beautiful shiny black things. I must remember to bring my own mug to the office. And to eat the chicken sandwich mom made me yesterday before it rots away in the fridge.


From this day on, my blog shall have a lone audience. I didn’t really intend to have this blog read by anyone who actually knew me. That would’ve been way too humiliating. I mean, these are my innermost thoughts we’re talking about here! I guess I just trust Michelle enough to let her in on my “thinking spot”. I figured I’ve got nothing to hide from her. After all, she is my “soul sista”! Hehehe. Travelling with someone to a place far away from home can be an ultimate bonding experience. That’s what happened with Mich and I – we roomed together in Sydney and now we’re stuck like glue! Hehehe. Well, not literally, as we rarely even see each other. But really, how many people would I trust with all my thoughts?! So I guess we’re stuck on a much deeper level. For instance, it’s a given that anything I tell her or she tells me stays between us. So I feel safe that whatever sick, disgusting, embarrassing,deep dark detail she reads here stays hidden inside her sick, disgusting, deep dark mind! LoL! Besides, I got her to start her own blog so I can blackmail her if she tries to squeal. Hehehe. I’m so glad we reconnected after all those college years apart. The weird(but cool) thing is that even though we’ve lost touch for so long, our friendship seems to automatically update itself… it’s like, we just pick up from where we left off without any difficulty whatsoever… and we’re suddenly as close and chummy as we were before. Anyway, now we’re starting a new blog. We’re planning to write a story together. Just us... dumb & dumber…beauty & the beast… Rocky & Bullwinkle…the soul sistas…off on another adventure. If you call writing a dumb story that. Hahaha. Who knows? It could be the greatest story ever to be written.


Anyway, we had a brownbag lunch meeting today to discuss the PowerPoint slides that we’d completed. It was with all the other experienced IT people who’re going to “teach” the course. As usual, I felt dumber than ever amongst the smarter ones. Oh well. I’m really dreading getting rolled into a project. But it seems that everyone’s been getting that email marked “Assignment” these days. It won’t be long now…till I get that dreaded email myself. Oh no!!! I’m actually supposed to be studying Visual Basic 6 right now. I just got it installed in my PC… I think I’ll start tomorrow.


I’ve been eating too much again. First, I ate peach yogurt(my fave snack in world as of yesterday) but that doesn’t count coz it’s got zero calories in it(or so it claims). Then I ate mom’s beef teriyaki. Then I ate a huge Mr. Chips from the cafeteria downstairs. Then I ate two sweet tarts. I ate a whole pack of grape mentos, and now I’m finishing up the last pieces of orange Fruitella. Sheesh. I’m gonna be diabetic from all this glucose. Good thing they ran outta mugs or I’d be high on caffeine as well.


Well, I better go now. Get back to my “work”. Oops.. what do you know? It’s 5:30! Time to go home. Hehehe.

:: Me 1:28 AM [+] ::
...

February 3, 2003 Monday 7:18PM

Finally moved to the 6750 building today. I must say I love my new workstation. It’s beside the windows and it’s got a nice view of the mini-park(and the mall and the Shangri La Hotel). I’ll never be bored just watching the cars and people passing by. Another wave of realization shot right through me as I stood by the window gazing at the scene in front of me. In the old days, just the mere sight the all-too familiar scene would have been a cause of a major breakdown. Images of the past would flash through my mind involuntarily, I’d soon be flooded with memories, and then find myself on the verge of tears. Amazingly, tonight I was actually able to stare right out at the scene and see it for what it truly was. Just a place. A place that couldn’t possibly hurt me. I can’t believe how ridiculous I’ve been all those months, shutting myself inside a cocoon, seeking refuge from places and people and activities which brought about memories. And when I was forced to crawl out my cocoon, I dreaded every moment of it. Well, I guess all I needed was time. Time heals all wounds, so goes the old cliché. I’m glad I’m finally over that phase. Or am I? Well, I’d like to believe I am. Although sometimes I find myself falling helplessly back into the pit again. Well, maybe I’m not completely over it, but at least I’m getting better. I’m dealing now. But seriously, I have to get over this quick. I mean, I’m 22 years old. I’m only this young and healthy once. I should make the most out of my life. From now on, there would be no more self-pity, no more tears… BAH… yea right. Before I get any more dramatic, I better change the subject.

My PC didn’t arrive at my workstation yet, so I had to temporarily borrow someone else’s and share a cubicle with one of the managers. It was very rotten luck because I couldn’t “do my usual thing” for fear of being written off as irresponsible and lazy by one of the big shots on my first day. So there I was, face-to-face with the PC with no choice but to work the whole day. Most of the 8 hours went to finishing those PowerPoint slides. I don’t think I’ve ever worked this hard back in the old building, where nobody gave a damn what we were up to. Back there we could slack off as long as we met the deadlines. Now, that’s what I call efficient use of time. Hehehe. To make matters worse, one of the bigger bosses kept dropping by the cubicle to shoot the breeze with the smaller boss. So I had no choice but to force myself to keep on working. What a terribly boring day. That explains why I’m blogging at home instead of work. I couldn’t even check my email, for chrissake! I couldn’t even chat. Not that I had anyone interesting to chat with today. Nobody interesting was online, if you know what I mean. What is wrong with men these days? Who says they can play hard to get? Isn’t that game normally reserved for the other gender? Sheesh!

Shit, this song’s playing on Mtv. “I’m jealous of the girl whose arms are around you… she’s a very lucky girl.” Well, lucky indeed! Sigh. 11 more days to go to final meltdown. If you know what I mean.. THE day is coming up. I need a plan! Maybe I’ll cook up something with Michelle. Maybe we can both be lonely together. That is, if she doesn’t find herself a man before then.

One of my dogs bit a baby last night. It was really quite scary! I mean, he almost got the eye too. I hope the baby’s doing all right. Well, I’ve learned a valuable lesson, babies and dogs just don’t mix.

I don’t think I’ve written a very coherent nor sensible blog here. I guess my brain’s just so fried. But I had to blog. I just had to! If only to vent and release stress. Oh well. I’m sure I’ll go nuts when I reread this someday and find so many spelling & grammatical errors.

:: Me 4:31 AM [+] ::
...

February 1, 2003, Saturday Morning. 11:54 am
Here’s the scoop. Nothing happened. Nevertheless, we had a blast. I finally got what I wanted – to watch Lord of the Rings with my special person. We did have to endure heavy traffic, only to find out that that it was no longer showing at the Powerplant, so then we had to endure some more traffic en route to Greenbelt 3, and then sprint as fast as we could from the parking lot to the theaters just to make it on time. And what do you know…we made it! Just as the “The Two Towers” flashed across the screen. Just in the nick of time. Perfect. As I expected, nothing out of the ordinary did occur. It was the most ordinary date I’ve been on. It was so ordinary – I mean, we had dinner at McDonald’s – and yet, I had a great time! Okay, I admit that it was pretty unnerving at first. I didn’t know just how to act. I was afraid I would say or do the wrong things. But then when we started talking, it was like nothing had ever changed between us. We were as we were before. The jokes and the teasing started to fly, and we were just laughing and having a great time. We had fun! And I am happy. J It’s perfect. Maybe this is how things should be between us. For now? Maybe. For how long? That remains to be seen. The important thing is, I think I’m cured. I think Eka was right when she said this was THE date. But not in the same context she used. I think last night was THE date for me (not for us) to finally get beneath all this uncertainty and confusion that I’ve been feeling. To settle the conflict within me. Yes, I know I love him. (And maybe he even loves me too) But now I think I can really say that I will be able to move on, if destiny dictates the necessity to do so. And last night, I think destiny was screaming “Give it a rest, wait and see what happens!” Maybe there was a flicker somewhere, but I think destiny must have blown it out instantly. So maybe I will heed destiny’s advice. Maybe that doesn’t really settle things between US, but then again, maybe things don’t really need any settling. Maybe things are perfect just the way they are. Everything’s just as they should be. In the meantime, I’ll just continue to keep my special person in the place where he belongs, in my heart.

Speaking of things happening out of the ordinary, a rather nice surprise came my way in the form of a YM popup window. A message from a guy named Dennis. I don’t know who he is. Yet. (Yes, the word “yet” implies that I intend to get to know him better) I mean, I do have the slightest idea what he looks like, but not what kind of person he is. But he seems like a sweet guy. He certainly has a knack for believing in signs and fate and all that. He seems to think that “life is trying to tell him something” because I apparently seem to keep popping into his life. Well, if you can call bumping into each other occasionally in the hallways fate. We come from the same college. We even come from the same high school. This bits of coincidences drove him to believe and again conclude and say “life is trying to tell me something”. I even starred in one of his dreams. A cameo role. But still. I’d already forced myself to stop believing in signs because when I did, everything just seemed to translate into something and I couldn’t tell the real signs from the fakes that are brought on by wishful thinking. But maybe sometimes signs do exist and reach out to you when you’re not looking. Maybe the popup window was a sign. A rather obvious sign at that. The popup window was a sign that just happened to emerge on THE day.... “Maybe life IS trying to tell me something.”

3:35 PM
I’ve got a big smile on my face. I just got home from doing lunch with Michelle and Patti. We went to Fat Michael’s, a place that we all really dig. The place is small but ultra cool with a sort of laid back - bohemian interior with a lot of drapery, china and chairs that don’t really mix and match. You know, shabby chic-ish. Michelle took me there once and I instantly fell in love with it. And I even brought my date to that place once because I liked it so much. The food is scrumptious, but the service is so-so. I don’t mind though. Once you’re seated inside with some mellow tunes playing in the background, and the conversations are starting to flow, you tend to forget about everything else. The food is just a plus. This time I had Chicken Rosemary, Taco Salad and some Banana Split. Yum. Their prices are quite reasonable too. Anyway, the food was great, but it’s not why I’m smiling. It’s really quite a blast hanging out with girlfriends. I haven’t seen Mich in a couple of months, but it’s like no time had passed the way we carried on with our conversation. Yep, it’s a blast all right, especially since none of us are currently in a relationship. That means there was no sappy relationship talk, no boyfriend dilemma discussion, but just pure girly gossip fun! I don’t know why, but being with people who are in the same lonely boat as I am makes me feel somewhat less alone. And it’s really comforting to know that I still have friends like Michelle and Eka that I can count on to be there for me when I need them. It doesn’t even have to be a physical presence; just strong emotional support is enough to console me when I’m really down in the dumps. Girrrrrrrrrl power! LOL! I guess I really am lucky in friendship. So there. Now I’m back home. I think I’m going to spend the rest of the day resting and chilling with my dogs.
Yipee! I can post this blog once and for all coz I have my home connection up and running!

:: Me 12:33 AM [+] ::
...

Today is THE day. My stomach's doing flip-flops. I'm quite nervous about the whole thing. I feel like I barely know him anymore. I feel like I'm going on a first date with a total stranger! Which is weird, because he's definitely no stranger to me. Once he was my entire world. Well... I sure hope everything goes well. He's picking me up at the office at around 7 tonight. OH no!!! I hope he thinks I look alright. I'm worried that he might think I grew fatter or he might think I'm just unattractive. ;( It has been a long time since I saw him last. Maybe I'm being paranoid...But I can't help it! I'm a nervous wreck! I'm worried about every itty-bitty little thing. Is my hair alright? Does this skirt make my hips look bigger? Sheeeesh. I just want him to like me. As a friend, or whatever. Anyways, I just hope that we at least have a great time. Oh please please please...let us have a good time together. I don't know how I'll be able to take it if we didn't have fun. I mean, what if we end up not saying anything to each other? What if we can't find anything to talk about? What if we just don't "connect" anymore? What if he thinks"what the heck did I ever see in this person?"? NOOOOO! The worrywart me is taking over! Halp! If I don't get a hold of myself, I'll end up being too much of a wreck to enjoy the night. I know I'm not supposed to expect too much from this evening... but maybe Eka's right....all it really takes is a small flicker, a spark to light a fire. :)
Anyway, on other issues. At home, my mom and my sister are still giving each other the cold treatment. I feel sorry for mom. She just wanted what's best for my sister, and this is what she gets. It's gotten worse now. My sister just wouldn't budge. This morning she apparently needed her allowance, but wouldn't swallow her pride to ask my mom for it. Crafty little sis took the cash from my mom's wallet without her knowing it. I wonder how long she can keep this up. My mom was furious when she found out of course, and vowed never to speak to my sis again!! Sigh...
I gotta go brush my teeth.

:: Me 9:20 PM [+] ::
...

I forgot to add something to my list of unfortunate events today. I got my pay slip and I just realized that those darn taxes ate a big chunk of my monthly salary! GRRRR! What is this world coming to when people lose their hard-earned money to tax?!?! ;(
:: Me 11:35 PM [+] ::
...

I'm having a lousy day. For starters, the cab driver weasled 60 bucks out of me. He claimed he didn't have change for a hundred... and I didn't have the luxury of time(I was already running late as it is-as usual) to argue or to find someone who can break the bill. The taxi fare came up to only 40 bucks... So I had no choice but to shove that hundred up the driver's #*&$)#*$)!!! Well... actually...what really happened was I told him "Thank you very much" in my most sarcastic tone. I don't think he got the picture though...because he drove away quite happily. GRRR! I'm getting angry again just thinking about it. You know what I think...he HAD change all along! That must be the ultimate taxi driver's con to cheat passengers out of their hard-earned money! The only day I don't have change on me and this happens! Just my luck. Anyway, if that's not bad enough...now my contacts are killing me and I just got this pair, for goodness' sake! Heeelp! I guess the air conditioning's zapping the moisture right out of my eyeballs and I've these horrible got bloodshot eyes! To make matters worse, I'm not feeling too perky because I think it's that godawful time of month again. The time of month when I look like I got run over by a truck or something...and I closely resemble a walking zombie. Sigh. And tomorrow night is movie date night. This is all wrong. I'm supposed to look my best tomorrow. I'm supposed to look soooo good that he won't be able to resist me. :( I guess it's just as well. Since I don't know IF we're even going out tomorrow... I haven't heard from him since last week. Chances are, he's forgotten about the date! Oh well. With my luck, that's very possible.
I have to get back to work now. I swear, after this assignment, I am never, ever going to touch Microsoft Powerpoint again!!! Lol. If that's possible.
:: Me 11:28 PM [+] ::
...

I just finished the slides for the second book. There's just one more fat book to go. we decided to take a break before starting again. So I'm blogging out of boredom. Everybody seems to be chatting & emailing away. Too bad I missed Eka online earlier. She said she's got a lot of studying to do so she stayed only for a while... and it happened to be when I went downstairs to submit my requirements for the Amex credit card. tough luck!
How do I feel right now? I am soooooooo sleepy. My eyelids feel so heavy. I planned to get a lot of sleep last night, but the Sex and the City trilogy episodes were on and I just couldn't miss it. I love that show. SPeaking of which, I just took this silly test that tells me which sex and the city character I am... or I'm like... and the results are:

You scored 50% Charlotte
You're a romantic at heart, strongly influenced by the intuitive, profound and sometimes naive Water Signs - Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. You're like a mother, a mystery and a poet all in one. Though on the surface you may seem innocent and all about seeking the good in people, beneath the surface, you hide secret yearnings for intimacy, for attachment and ideal love. You're looking for a knight in shining armour, a soul mate, someone who will complete you and tether you to the earth when you get carried away with your fantasies. You're super-sensitive, soaking up the moods of others; you're free with your emotions, crying at commercials and sad movies. You also provide a shoulder to cry on and open arms for hugs. Be careful that you're not so wide-eyed and trusting that you get taken in by some cunning wolf in sheep's clothing.


You scored 30% Miranda
You chose many of the same answers that Earth Sign, like Miranda, the cynical but pragmatic lawyer, might have chosen. Like her, you don't give your heart up to just anyone. She shies away from a relationship with Steve because he's 'just' a bartender, not something more conventionally ambitious or stable. Those with powerful Earth Sign qualities - characteristics associated with Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn - are cautious in love and seek stability and status over nearly anything else. Earth Signs provide a steady, realistic attitude and they can bring order out of chaos. You're incredibly sensual, and beneath that smart, expensive business suit of yours, you yearn for intimacy. But you are hesitant to give up your material needs, your career ambitions or your responsibilities for a passionate moment that might not turn out the way you'd hope.


You scored 20% CarrieYour answers peg you as a Carrie-type, much influenced by the Air Sign qualities associated with Gemini, Libra and Aquarius. Like confident Carrie, you're curious and perceptive, always seeking answers and never satisfied with the superficial. An Air Sign influence can lead to indecision and an avoidance of tough issues, like with Carrie and her on-again, off-again attachment to Mr Big. Forward thinking, incredibly intelligent and witty, you exude quirky charm. You'd be utterly bored by someone who's just a pretty face or a hot body - though you don't mind looking and flirting. You're more turned on by an equally smart and funny mate, someone who challenges your mind and makes you laugh. You love to talk, so you need a good listener who's open to playful and eccentric ideas about love and lovemaking.


You scored 0% Samantha
You identify with Samantha's bold and liberated Fire Sign qualities, characteristics associated with the Signs of Aries, Leo and Sagittarius. You're strong, audacious and larger than life - and you take what you want! Sometimes you can even be thoughtless and selfish, as you get so caught up in craving immediate gratification and excitement that you overlook someone else's feelings. Your personal style probably reflects your desires: sleek, low-cut, revealing just a bit more than might be considered acceptable. Watch out that you don't come on too strong, though. You could scare potential suitors off with all your drama. If you seek so much attention, the more basic qualities of the Fire Signs could be burned right out of the picture. Show less skin or cleavage and more of your creativity, your vibrant leadership skills and courageous generosity.

Well, not bad. I've got all the bases covered, huh? hehehe. But 0% Samantha!!! I don't know whether to be glad or sorry! LoL! Sometimes I wish I could be more like her. So unfeeling. But I'm not, and so I have to live with all the heartaches of life. I can't believe I'm 50% Charlotte though... I hate that girl. But it's kinda true, what the results say. Scaaaary!!! 30% Miranda.. sheesh... I'm glad I'm not that boring and stiff though. 20% Carrie.. well, I like Carrie's character..I actually thought I'd be all or mostly Carrie coz I can relate to her the most relationships, insecurities, and all. Oh well. So much for being a fictional character. hahaha. I'm gonna go surf some more.
:: Me 7:43 PM [+] ::
...

I'm back to my tuna sandwich lunch diet. Yesterday, mom packed me a delicious blue marlin teriyaki lunch! Mmmm. Now I just have to be satisfied with a cold sandwich. Which is perfectly fine with me, because at least I get to cut back on rice. Anyway, I just got back from facilitating an ongoing PeopleSoft training downstairs. Can you believe it? Me? A coach?? LoL! I can only laugh at myself. Oh well. I've been down there a couple of times and the people are pretty friendly. It's like, they look up to you and expect to find the answer to all the errors that they get. Scaaaary. I couldn't help feeling incompetent to be a coach. But I didn't do too bad. I guess. I mean, no one's complained so far. Anyway, that's done. This afternoon, I'm back to making slides! Thank god! At least that's one task I'm sure I can handle.
Hmm... well, what's new. My sister's still not talking to me, for some reason. I don't understand why she's so angry! I mean, all my mom and i did was give her some practical advice regarding relationships...and in return..we feel her wrath! Geez. Next time I have some wise words to share, I'm going to zip my mouth.
I guess there's really not much stuff going on. Well, there is that movie date on Friday...BUT, I'm not going to talk about that. I don't want to be too excited...in case it doesn't push through again. I had a dream about him again last night(i say AGAIN because I've had tons of dreams with him in it, even though my conscious mind has desperately been trying to "move on"). I can't really remember much, but there was a part that I do remember simply because that part made me feel soooooo good. I was holding his hand, and he was holding mine. Like he used to. It felt soooooo nice. Unfortunately, that stupid alarm clock of mine went off... spoilsport! Anyway, so that's that. I'm jolted back into reality. And this is what's real - I'm still alone. Yes, I know i know... I can deal with that now. I'm a stronger person..blah blah blah. So there.
Yesterday, we had our first Civic & Charity commitee meeting. Only four people showed up, plus two of the commitee heads. I'm glad I got in. I can't wait for the projects and activities to start. At least I'm going to be involved in something worthwhile. The things we planned on doing are: treat some orphans out to Enchanted Kingdom, visit a home for the aged, teach computer basics to public school kids, solicit books for public schools, do some fund-raising activities, do something for the environment(clean up the air) ,etcetera! :) I can't wait to get started. I don't know exactly why...but it gives me such a rush to do things to help other people. It's not like I'm some do-gooder, good samaritan-mother teresa wannabe... I'm not even close to being saintly. Hahaha. It makes me feel fulfilled somehow. I know other people find this charity stuff boring and cheesy... but I actually like it! Is that weird? Anyway, lunch is over so I have to get back to work. Maybe I'll blog again later.

:: Me 9:48 PM [+] ::
...

I'm blogging from home. I just had lunch and now I feel sick. I think I had too much to eat.. but I couldn't help it! We had chicken teriyaki, which is currently my favorite dish. And guess what.. I made it myself! I got the recipe from Chi's mom. I made it from scratch. It was really very simple. You just cut some chicken breasts into strips and then marinade them in a mixture of soy sauce, sugar, ground pepper, minced ginger, lemon juice, and garlic. Then it's off to the stove! You just let the chicken cook until the sauce runs dry, and then you pour in some more of the marinade mix. And voila!!! Chicken teriyaki ala amy! hehehe. I am so proud of myself! It wasn't bad...wasn't bad at all. Of course it wasn't perfect, but hey, it was only my first attempt. I think I'm starting to dig cooking. Maybe I'll download some more scrumptuous recipes and try them out just for the heck of it! Well, I have to learn to cook sooner or later. Who knows? Maybe I'll learn to cook loads of delicious dishes and be such a great cook that people will pay for a taste of my gastronomic masterpieces! LoL! I just hope I don't end up eating all of my creations. Sheesh.. I've been having too much birthday cake that I think I've put on some pounds over the weekend. Did I mention my co-workers also gave me a huge toffee/caramel/chocolate cake before going home? It was really nice of them. I barely know them.. I've only known them for a month or so.. but they're just so great! What great friends to have! I'm just sooo touched. sniff sniff. I guess that makes up for all the friendships I've lost over the years. But it still isn't enough to make up for one veeeery special friendship. Sigh. I guess I can't have it all.
I hate Sunday afternoons. It's so serene and quiet. Feels like the whole world just stopped moving! It's almost surreal. I guess it is a nice contrast from the daily noise. It feels lonelier is all.
Well, I've got something to look forward to. Next Friday, I have a movie date with "him". I'm excited. I'm nervous. I miss him so much that I'd be happy just to see him again! For some reason, he called me up on my birthday after that one liner he sent. I actually had the audacity to ask him out! I guess I just miss him so that I don't care about "appearances" anymore. SO what if I seem too eager...too clingy...too pathetic? I don't care about that anymore. All I want is to be with him again. Okay. I promised myself not to put myself up for more disappointment. So I'm really not going to expect anything from our little date. WHat I want is just to have a perfect time together. I just want us to have fun together. That's all. I won't pressure him to get back together or anything like that. I mean, there's no use in forcing things, right? If he doesn't want to, then so be it. But I just want us to be friends. GOod friends, at least. If I can't have him back, I'd like to keep him as a friend at the very least. I guess it would be hard to see him with another girl. But hey, that's life. What am I supposed to do? Kill myself?!?! Nuh-uh...no way... not anymore! This is the new me! The better me. :) So maybe we'll keep the conversations light. Laugh a lot. Smile a lot. Joke around a lot. Tease each other a lot. Sounds like a plan to me. It's only Sunday.. and I'm already getting psyched over this! Shoot. I have to keep my cool. I am cool. I am confident. I can do this and have a wonderful time.
ANyway, it's weird how guys can seemingly sense when a girl is "single" or available. It's almost like I have this sign across my forehead that says "I'm single." I've been with a guy for 3 years, and other guys just kept their distance. But now, it's like they're everywhere!!! I don't mean to sound conceited or anything. It's just an observation. Besides, I'm really not into that whole dating thing right now. It's actually becoming sort of a nuisance dealing with unwelcome "wooing"(LoL!). I mean, I don't want to come off as a cruel, heartless, stuck up person. Why can't some guys understand that rejection is nothing personal? I mean, I'm sure these are very nice guys.. but come on, i can't force yourself to fall in love just like that. Especially if this girl's still in love with a certain guy. So there.. I feel really really terrible about being such a snobbish, horrible person! I appreciate the attention and all that, but I really don't want anything more than friendship with other guys. Right now there's only one guy I want, and I'm not sure if he even wants me. ;( I guess that's the irony of life. But I'm never losing hope. If we're meant to be, we're meant to be.
I feel like such a monster for raining on my sister's parade. She's just having such a blast with her boyfriend. I guess I got a bit jealous. Mom was telling her off for being so irresponsible..for coming home late... blahblah...and I jumped right in and joined her. I told her she better watch out, not to be too dependent on one person, to be her own person. Lately she's being such a mindless twit! I mean, she never goes anywhere without him anymore! Like she can't live without him! How stupid is that? Well, so there...mom and I were on one side...and my sis was on the other. I hate for this to happen. We just want what's best for her. And everything should be in moderation. Those two have become inseparable lately, it ain't healthy anymore. .. ok ok.. i admit that i am pretty jealous. Maybe I just see myself in my sister...the way I was 3 years ago.... the good old days.... the days of yore. I was soooo madly in love.... that I wanted to spend every minute with him . :( i dont know what happened. I don't know what changed. I guess time changes everything. I knew I loved him... but it wasnt the same anymore. Maybe our love had grown. But I saw that as a bad thing... but maybe it was just changing into something better. Now I'll never know... because I was too stupid not to wait for things to unfold... I'd cut off our relationship abruptly..and I never gave it a chance to bloom into something bigger. Waaaaaaaaah! I have to go.. cry.
HEAVEN - DJ SAMMY

--
Baby you're all that i want
When you're lying here in my arms
Im finding it hard to believe
we're i heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isnt too hard to see
We're In Heaven

oh thinkin about our younger years
there was only you and me
we were young and wild and free
Now nothing can take you away from me
we've been down that road before
but thats over now
you keep me coming back for more

Baby you're all that i want
When you're lying here in my arms
Im finding it hard to believe
we're i heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isnt too hard to see
We're In Heaven
We're in heaven

Now nothing can change what you mean to me
there's a lot that i can say
but just hold me now
cuz our love will light the way

Baby you're all that i want
When you're lying here in my arms
Im finding it hard to believe
we're in heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isnt too hard to see
We're In Heaven

Now ourdreams are coming true
through the good times and the bad
i'll be standing there by you

we're in heaven
love is all that i need
And i fnd it there in your heart
it isnt to hard to see
we're i heaven

We're in heaven

I miss my baby... :( I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare and be back in his arms. :( i gotta go now. :(
:: Me 10:56 PM [+] ::
...

Everyone's been greeting me a "happy birthday". So I guess I should be happy! My college friends had to go through a lot of trouble just to get this point across. At exactly 12 am, January 24th, they snuck up to my room while I was in deep slumber bearing a cake with 22 lighted candles. Imagine my surprise! I mean, I must've looked so silly. I did actually look ridiculous!! I was wearing two pairs of socks. On my feet...and hands!!! Before I slept, I'd smothered my hands with Vaseline petroleum jelly and stuck them in a pair of socks(bound to soften the hands, so I read somewhere). Hahaha. It was quite a laugh trip. But I was so touched! I didn't think they had anything up their sleeves. I mean, after the way I'd been giving them the cold shoulder(in a way). I feel so guilty. I HAVE to make it up to them somehow. So anyway, we ate the cake and then we propped down on the couch to watch Ring 0, which I'd seen just the night before. Those guys, they're the greatest! From now on, I'm going to work harder at maintaining this friendship.
Today, I've been faced with the same greeting. Happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday. My officemates gave me two roses. Sweet. Then we went out to lunch. My treat of course. I got a few phone calls on my mobile, a bunch of emails, and text messages. Some people who I didn't expect to call or greet me came right out and greeted me! Even one of my old college professors! It's a shame though, some people (my so-called friends) who I was sorta expecting a greeting from, well, they didn't quite meet my expectations. But the day's not yet over.
I guess I should be happy. I'm fortunate enough to have so many people who love and care about me. But honestly, I'm quite disappointed. ;( I guess I was stupid to have expected something in the first place. I just thought.. that maybe... well.. since it's my birthday anyway... that this one person would maybe do something special. But I guess that was a lot to expect. I mean, why should he? He has his own life now. And I'm not a part of it anymore. But it would have been nice though... It's crazy of me to think about things like this on my birthday. I mean, I'm only setting myself up for a huge disappointment. I should just stop daydreaming about a happy ending between us. Because I don't think there's one coming my way any time soon. He did greet me. Just a simple text saying"Happy bday, amy". Well, there it is. Happy birthday, Amy. But why do I feel like crying right now?
:: Me 12:25 AM [+] ::
...

I'm done! yahoo.. after 60 slides I am finally through. But.. it's far from over. We have 2 more very thick books to convert and the whole next week to do it. Anyways, wow.. for the first time I'm out of things to say. My mind's just blank. Or maybe my fingers just feel numb from typing all day. A lot of things happened this week. Well, for one.. there's a guy from work who's starting to get to my nerves. I mean, all his antics to get attention make me want to hurl. I suppose I should be flattered. But I'm not! And then .. I just found out that my crush's friend was asking for my AIM nick. Isn't that ironic? Why couldnt it have been my crush instead? ARGH! the heavens are against me!!! Oh well. I'm not really all that serious about that anyway. It's just a little crush I sorta forced myself to have just to get my mind off you-know-who. Pathetic but effective, i tell ya. So there. Maybe I could befriend this guy.. and I could be friends with my crush! And we could all be friends!! :) Wouldn't that be great?! Anyway, I guess I better go now. it's pretty late.
:: Me 2:11 AM [+] ::
...

It's almost 7 pm and I'm still in the office. Why? Well, because I've got 30+ pages more to convert into Powerpoint slides by Friday! The job is relatively easy, but tedious. At this point, I have no qualms about tedious. Better dull and boring than challenging and difficult!
Something unexpected occurred yesterday. Chichi dropped off a basket of strawberries for me at home. Wasn't that awful sweet of her? I feel terribly guilty for being such a brat the past few weeks. I have to make it up to her. I guess I should try to settle my "conflict with the past" by myself without affecting other people who are part of the picture. I mean, really, only one person in the past is actually the root of all my hurt right now, so I should just focus on him. It's not fair if I isolate myself from other people who even remotely remind me of him. That would leave perhaps EVERYONE i know. Including my babies(my dogs). So forget that. I should just try to live my life as normal as possible. I'm capable of doing that. I'm doing it right now. It's been weeks since last our last contact. And I'm still alive and kicking. I think I'm getting better by the day. :) I mean, with all these stuff to do at work to keep me preoccupied..I won't have time to think about other things that I don't want to think about! Isn't that great?!
Other news. I'm psyched! We just MIGHT be starting our own business. A small cafe in Malate. My mom's friend wants to sell the rights - to my mom! And for a reasonable fee. I mean, for Malate which is a pretty good area for cafes, bars and the like. I haven't seen the place yet, but by the excitement in mom's voice.. it sounds like a really cozy little place. How cool can that be? I've always wanted to run a coffee shop. I'm already bursting with ideas for the interior design..and I haven't even seen the place! LoL! Well, at least I'd be putting my Business management skills to work..if ever that acquisition takes place. I hope it does. Please please please. I'm keeping my fingers crossed till that happens.
I'm proud of myself! I had just another sandwich for lunch! No rice. HAH! But the problem was, I got hungry in the middle of the afternoon. So I ran up the cafeteria to grab a bite to eat. Some pancit. It tasted pretty good. Probably a result of being delirious from hunger because the food upstairs..BAD!! Totally disgusting.
I think we're the only ones left in the office.. me and two of my cubicle-sharers. I better leave, mom my start worrying about me.
:: Me 3:19 AM [+] ::
...

It's Monday again. The weekend seemed to come and go this time without much effort from me to "dull the pain of loneliness". It was a rather serene two days. All I did was park myself in front of the tv and catch up on my sleep, only standing up to grab a bite to eat. Truly a pig's life. Maybe it's not the most exciting way to spend the weekend, but hey..I wouldn't have it any other way. Staying at home has its perks. For instance, you get to save money. Roaming around the malls would be a huge temptation for people with the "shopping bug". Whereas staying at home eliminates the risk of overspending on futile objects which are the fruit of impulsive shopping. Staying at home allows you to relaaaaaaaaax.......to let go of all pretenses....no mousse, no makeup, no pantyhouse,no contacts... the true you truly shines at home. Although it is a less appealing, less attractive sorta luster...hehe. Besides, there are a lot of things to do at home. Like read a good book, watch a nice film on dvd, eat whatever you want, play with the pets, bond with family...need I say more?
So there it is... that folks, is the reason why I LoooooooVE spending my weekends at home. Unlike most people, I don't need to go out to clubs, bars, or parties to have a blast. Speaking of parties... I think I'm on the verge of losing my friends. I just shunned two invitations.. one a birthday blowout and the other block party. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't feel like hanging out with people these days. I think I'm reverting back to my introverted self. I tried so hard to crawl out of my shell too. What a waste. I seem to have lost all interest in socializing. I wonder how long this phase'll last. I wonder if it this is only "just a phase". God, I sure hope it is. Maybe I just need time to myself. Away from the past. Away from people from the past. I hate sounding so melodramatic and mushy. But I can't help it. I guess as much as I try to seem cool and tough on the outside, my inner self just can't help turning to mush. And it's oozing out!!!!!!!halp!!!!!!!!! I just don't want other people to see my in this state, I guess. I can't pretend to be happy and all that with people from the past. They just bring back a lot of memories. I don't think I'm ready to "party" with them yet. I feel bad though..about seeming cold and distant. But oh well.. it's just a phase I'm going through. I hope.
Anyway, it's a Monday. I've completed the course on VB. It's weird. Everyday I feel dumber and dumber. Sure, I know I'm learning a whole LOT. But learning has also made me realize how much I don't know and how much I have yet to learn! Dang! I should've majored in computer engineering or the like instead of my useless business degree. It's right about lunch time. Mom packed me a cheese sandwich for lunch. I am tempted to store it in the fridge and buy myself a proper meal. BUT! I won't do that. I won't. I will eat my sandwich. I will be content with it. I am not hungry. The sandwich is enough. Hehehe. So much for mind power. Hmmm...decisions, decisions. Yeah.. i think I'll just stay in the office and blog or email or chat or something. I really really really need to lose weight. Okay, not weight, I'm light enough as it is for my height...but i need to shed some FAT..especially right around the lower half of my body. SO I'm making myself a promise. This week, I will eat sandwiches for lunch and skip dinner. Or perhaps, just a very light dinner? :) By the end of this week, I should look better AND feel better! Yes! I think I spotted Eka online. At least I'd have a diversion. I hope she's here. HOLY SHIT!! I don't believe it! I caught her sister instead and guess what. She's out on a date!!! Omigosh. This I gotta hear about. How come she gets to go out on a date? ;( I better stop or I'll end up torturing myself again. I better eat my sandwich.
:: Me 7:52 PM [+] ::
...

Mom arrived from Singapore yesterday afternoon. I was there to greet her because I took the day off. She left with one tiny luggage and she came back with that plus a humongous Samsonite suitcase filled with goodies among tons of utterly useless trinkets and gadgets(courtesy of dad). I swear my dad has no shopping sense whatsoever. He means well, but he almost always ends up buying us expensive things that we wouldn't dare to be caught dead in or are just plain useless. This time he bought enough calculators to last a lifetime! hahaha. I mean, what the heck would I do with a calculator? Anyway, the good thing is that my mom... much as she hates shopping... well, maybe not HATE.. it's such a strong word..much as she dislikes shopping... she found she had no choice. Thanks to dad's constant nagging for her to get her ass out of the hotel and shop for the kids, she gave in. Honestly, I don't think that was mom's idea of a vacation at all... but what could she have done, right? So anyway, they bought me a lovely white gold necklace with little diamond studs (which must have cost a fortune). I guess it's sort of an early birthday present. I also got a bunch of cool outfits... I have to admit, mom FINALLY got my taste right. hehehe. When I was younger she'd buy these godawful clothes and seem to think they were the latest in fashion! So I had no choice but to wear the hideous things once or twice..so as not to hurt her feelings. Now I'm perfectly happy with the stuff she got me! But anyways, of course my sibs also got their own goodies. It's pretty touching the way my folks went through all that trouble just to get us these things.. considering how they both felt about shopping. It's really the thought that counts here. I miss my dad. Although I'm quite used to him being away for the most part of my growing up years.. of course I understand.. him being a pilot and all... I just wish we all could've spent more time together back then....you know... now we've all grown up and it's hardly possible to get everyone to stay in one place. Oh well... the good thing about family is that we're bound by blood no matter what...so there... we're all stuck with each other for a lifetime..like it or not.:)
:: Me 1:46 AM [+] ::
...

Another day at work. I've decided to blog a little before continuing with Chapter 10. This stuff is getting more and more confusing as I go on... sigh. Anyway, mom's coming home tomorrow morning! :) Finally... no more playing the role of mom! Nothing beats the real thing anyway. But really this whole week wasn't as bad as I expected. Turns out my siblings and I can be a pretty responsible bunch after all...but only when ABSOLUTELY necessary... hahaha. Oh yeah... guess what... today's pay day! Woohoo!!! Bummer though...the way the taxes eat up a huge part of the salary. It isn't fair! Where the hell does my tax money go anyway? Most likely into the hands of those filthy thieves we've elected as government officials! Grrr... Anyway, I've vowed to try to save money from now on. Seems I always end up spending my entire month's pay. I have got to try to control my cash outflow. Otherwise, I'd end up broke one day.. at the rate my spending's going. I've really got to save up anyway for bigger things...like maybe a vacation, an apartment and the like. I read my post last Friday. It's rather pathetic. I'm making such a huge effort not to think about him. It's crazy! But I'm surviving so far. Maybe all I need is a little more time, and I'll be A-okay! Be back later... I've got to work.
:: Me 10:58 PM [+] ::
...

It's Monday again. I've been busy the whole day...struggling to learn VB..with very little progress... I've finished chapters 6 & 7. It's 9 minutes past five so I think I'll allow my mind to cool down a little before I start heading home.
Well, I've made it through the weekend alive. It wasn't that bad after all. I kepy myself busy with housework, and reading my new paperback. Housework! I can hardly believe it myself. Well, it certainly was better than staying idle and allowing my mind to fill up with sad thoughts again. Besides, the house badly needed some tidying up. First I gave the dogs a bath. For such small creatures, those toy poodles sure are a handful! I don't understand why dogs seem to have an aversion to bathing. I mean, I've always tried to make bath time as enjoyable for them as possible... even draw them a warm bath and shower. However, they don't seem to appreciate that fact and shake and splash and wriggle away all they want... i don't mind getting soaked but it gets exhausting chasing after a fully lathered up little dog...never mind three!!! So anyways, that took up most of my morning.... luckily, my sister was in a helpful mood so she dried the lil mongrels up...which involved the tedious task of blowdrying their delicate fur and then combing it till it's nice and fluffy and dry. I don't really mind doing all these things for the dogs coz they're my little babies. hehehe. THey're so cute and cuddly and sweet.... god i miss them.... !!! Sometimes I think dogs could be better companions than human friends. As opposed to humans, they love you unconditionally.... with all their heart.... and they ask for absolutely zilch in return! WHat more can you ask for in a friend? Well, sometimes they tend to get too demanding in wanting to engage in a game of fetch... it's their one addiction....that and KFC leftovers...hehehe. Oh, it gets a bit annoying at times.... especially when they scratch their little paws up and leave marks all over your legs while holding their bones in their mouths and wagging their tails expectantly... but scratch marks or not... it's always hard to resist the little dears. Anyways... the reason why I'm blabbing on and on about my dogs is because they're probably the reason why I made it through the weekend without being consumed by grief. Oh.. and another reason would be... I had my nose buried in my book. I was right.. it was a girly book. It screamed girl power from page 1. hehehe. THe heroine was pretty much like me... non-conformist...striving to keep her independence at all costs...even to the point of ruining her relationships. Anyways, I especially enjoyed the part wherein Alex(the heroine) hit rockbottom! Haha... I guess i'm twisted in the way i derive pleasure from reading about other peoples' sorrow... nah... i'm just bitter...anyways, I'm already doing overtime as it is.... i gotta head home..
:: Me 1:52 AM [+] ::
...

January 10, 2003 ,Friday 9:45PM

I am typing in Notepad because for some reason, I can't connect to the internet. The lines are apparently busy. So what else is new? I hate dial-up connections! I just got home so I've no choice but to wait until the darn thing connects. Obviously, I'm getting addicted to this blog thing. My friend Reychel and I went to the mall after work. Since neither of us wanted to go home yet... after all, it IS Friday night. So we just grabbed a bite to eat and then did a bit of window shopping. We spent most of the time at Powerbooks ..just browsing. I couldn't find any of the books I wanted so I bought this girl power type novel... kinda Bridget Jones-ish ...it looked good enough to read. My legs are aching from walking around the mall... then on the way home from the mall(because I couldn't get a cab). But at least I got my much needed workout. It was the loneliest thing... walking alone on a near-deserted path. I walked past this park where... this park where I've had a lot of fond moments.... I've never felt lonelier in my whole life. I felt like crying....:(
Despite all this, I think I'm much stronger now.... In the old days I would've just wished myself dead... but now, i'm handling it in a different way... sometimes I actually find myself thinking positively! Believe me, that's a HUGE improvement from the old me! Hahaha. I'm even trying to stop whining about my problem to everyone and everything (I even talk to my dog about this... at least he doesnt seem to mind) with an ear! I just realized what a drag I've been for the past months.... I've been wallowing in self-pity and frustration..... I've become such a big whiner that I think my friends have actually stopped paying attention to the things I've had to say....couldn't blame them though.... I mean, even I would stop listening to myself!!! hahaha. Well... I've significantly lessened talking about my problem...For a while talking about it has helped me deal with issue..and I'm sure it has been pretty entertaining to hear about for a while.... but now the story's gettin old.... it's time to move on. I can't keep on boring my friends... i'd lose them! haha. And I can't keep torturing myself like this. The former I can do... but the latter...well... it remains to be seen. It's like I involuntarily just think of something that would make my day miserable. I'd be perfectly happy... then I'd start to think of something to make me miss...him. Okay... here I go again. Well...at least I'm not complaining to ANYONE! haha.. so I'm just going to rant and rave a little...
WHat the hell is going on!?!? I don't understand anything anymore. Why does it hurt so much when the person you love doesn't love you back anymore? Why can't you just find another person to love? Right? Sounds simple enough...I mean, there's plenty of fish in the sea.... it'd be easy to hook one up.... BUT.... I don't wanna!!!!!!!!!! It's crazy... but I just don't want to! I did this. It's all my fault... now he doesn't love me anymore... and he loves someone else.......... and l still love him so much.... and I don't know what I'm going to do. I told him how I felt. But I guess he doesn't believe me anymore.. I mean, why should he? Or maybe he believes me... but he just doesn't feel the same way anymore. This is all just so hard to take. I can literally feel my heart breaking every time I think about the past.. how it all was... it was perfect. And I ruined it. how could I have been so stupid! and selfish!!! I wish I could have it all back.. I miss him so much..... I think about him every second every day..... and I don't even realize I'm doing it.... this is terrible...I need to stop doing this to myself.
I feel a better now.... I think... I've been trying to look happy the whole week at the office...it's pretty hard to do.... I wonder if I'll ever move on.....I'm sure I probably will.... Anyway, I have to go... I'll probably feel stupid re-reading this post someday.... but at least I'm being true to myself at this exact moment. I guess this should be my last post for today...finally. I need to get some rest.

:: Me 6:56 AM [+] ::
...

Since it's Friday, I think I'll just finish up chapter 6 on Monday. Oh no... I'm still dreading having to go home to an empty house...well... it's one person short...but that's one VERY important person to be missing. I think I'll buy a book to keep me occupied during the weekend. Come to think of it.. i've yet to finish Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude (which I've read only halfway) and Laura Esquivel's Swift as Desire. The former I've stopped reading because I lost track of the names of the characters because they all had the SAME names(or at least VERY similar names with VERY slight variations). For instance there's an Aureliano...Aureliano Seguno... Jose Aureliano... etc etc... you get the picture. It's waaaaaaaay too confusing. Reading it is like reading some boring old history book wherein you have to take down notes in order to keep up. But it does have an interesting story... if you ever get past the confusion. Anyways... Esquivel, on the other hand, I've shelved because I got busy. And now I forgot all about the story... so I think I'll have to read it over again. But I don't plan on doing any of that now. I prefer to do some light reading... something hilarious perhaps. Maybe I'll get one of those silly parodies... like Bored of the Rings or Barry Trotter and the Philosopher's Scone. LoL! Yeah..that should be amusing. Or maybe I'll get Bridget Jones' Diary... I loved the movie so I'm bound to like the book... and there's a sequel to the paperback too! I wonder whatever happened to good ol' Bridget. Lucky her... she got her man. hahaha. Speaking of movies... Lord of the Rings is coming up... tomorrow! Strangely enough..I don't feel like seeing it at all. It's because I was supposed to watch it with someone special.... only now I'm not so sure if that's pushing through. I don't feel like watching it with anyone else..and I certainly don't want to watch it alone... so I don't think I'll watch it at all. Maybe I'll just wait for it to come out on dvd...which is bound to be a long time from now.. :( I hate it... I'm torturing myself. But I can't help it. okay....I simply have to switch topics again!! It's almost time to go home. yipee.... shoot! I just remembered... i'm going to have to walk around the mall alone if I'm going to get that book... and walking around the mall would mean.... more memories of walking around the mall with........oh fergit it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to get a life..do i? Sigh... I mean, look at me... i'm chronicling all my thoughts down on a website for chrissake! Well... at least it helps get the load off my chest...even if just a bit. Well..it's finally time to go home... so ta ta...
:: Me 1:34 AM [+] ::
...

This sucks. Still haven't finished this darn VB module. Still got 9 chapters to go. Oh well... I am bored........very bored. My back's aching so bad. And my legs are permanently cramped from all this prolonged sitting. I think I'm developing a varicose vein somewhere. Mom must already be touring Singapore with my dad right at this moment...lucky girl. She hardly gets out of the house...but when she does....does she get out!!! Lucky girl. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here... bored out of my wits. What's on my mind right now? Hmmm.... well.... there's this one song that keeps playing inside my head...which I could very well relate to...it goes.... stayin' home alone on a friday.... flat on the floor lookin' back on old love....or lack thereof.... After all the crushes have faded...and all my wishful thinking was wrong...I'm jaded...I hate it.... I'm tired of being alone... so hurry up and get here...I'm tired of bein alone!!!!!! The song says it all. I guess that's why I'm feeling so down. :( There's another song that I really like...it goes... back to you... it always comes around...back to you...... i tried to forget you....i tried to stay away...but it's too late....over you...i'm never over....over you.... there's something about you....it's just the way you move...the way you move me..... I'm so good at forgetting....and i've quit every game i played.....but forgive me love... i can't turn and walk away...this way.....back to you...yadayadayada.........Leave the light on ...i'll never give up on you....leave the light on for me too........!!! i love this last line...
Back to me
I know that it comes
Back to me
Doesn't it scare you
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be

.... isn't that just... lovely? It kinda gives me hope... It's been my song for someone for so long... he just doesn't know it. sigh...
well.. I better get back to work before I get any more emotional. :P
:: Me 12:22 AM [+] ::
...

aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!! I have to get back to work. But maybe in a while. I didn't catch Eka online today. She must be busy with her school AND work. I wonder how she does it. Seriously...I don't think I can handle that much pressure... worrying about two equally important things at the same time... I'd probably have a nervous breakdown in less than a week. And I really need to talk to someone too. Oh well. Lately I've learned to keep things to myself. I mean, if I blurt out every little emotion that I feel to everyone... they'd think I'm a crybaby or something. But anyway, that's what I'd been feeling lately... sad... beneath the frisky, happy-go-lucky facade...I'm just plain lonely. Which is pretty weird because I'm almost never alone because since I started work I've been surrounded by all these people. It's inexplicable. Feels like there's something missing. There was something Ericka said in Yahoo that stuck to me like glue... (pun intended) ..which goes...."you try to be happy, and you know you're happy, but you can tell that you're not AS happy as you were...it's like the glue that binds everything together...with the glue, you can just choose anything to make things better, but WITHOUT the glue, nothing can stick...did i just say something stupid?" No, it's not stupid at all. sigh.... I better shake my ass back to work.....LoL. Laters.
:: Me 9:38 PM [+] ::
...

Mom left for Singapore this morning. I was sad to see her go. But like I said... she deserves a break... after all, she has been working her a$$ off around the house. Sure hope she has a lotta fun. I guess it's all up to me now to prevent chaos from invading the household. I wonder if the dogs are being fed lunch. Hmmm.... my ol uncle's as reliable as a sack of beans... Lol. It's amazing how he fits all those bottles of beer in that squat physique of his. He's the only person I know who drinks that much and still doesn't trip over his own feet. Well.. he might be lucky in that sense, but I think all the alcohol he drinks has gotten into his head and affected his way of thinking. But enough about that.
I can't believe it's already Friday. For some strange reason, I'm dreading the weekend this time. I guess it has something to do with being left alone in the house. Of course my dear siblings will be out doing their thing. WHereas I will be stuck at home... perhaps wallowing in boredom. I will be back after a trip to the lil ladies room....
:: Me 8:51 PM [+] ::
...

Still at work. I've manage to move on to Chapter 4 of the VB course. Only 30 more minutes and I can finally head home and retire my tired, aching eyes. Actually... I think I've got less than 30 minutes left now than the last time I checked... I wouldnt know since I'd just shut off the darn clock at the lower-right corner of the PC monitor. It's driving me insane to look at the still digits....seemingly frozen for eternity. A minute does seems like eternity when you're dying of extreme boredom. So I think I'll just blog away till my 30 minutes or so are up... I can't really concentrate on what I'm reading anymore. Something's really plaguing my thoughts these days. But I refuse to give into these sad, depressing thoughts. I mean, there's no need for that. I've got my life to live now. I've got more important stuff to do than pine away for .... a person. Forget that.
The reason why I'm blogging right now is to get my mind off that... so.........on to more important things. My college classmates are planning another get-together. I don't mean to sound like such a scrooge... but what the hell for? I mean, we weren't exactly all warm and cozy back in school... It's not like we were all the best of friends back then or something. RIght now they all seem so eager to spend all these time together... to do some "catching up"....it's only been like 4 months since we graduated! And already they want a reunion! What's with all this "missing each other" stuff? I don't get it. I think I'm going to have to cook up another excuse not to go. I feel bad...but I'll probably feel worse if I go and pretend to be all smiley and friendly when deep down I'm really squirming and raring to go. I sound like such a meanie. Maybe I ain't doing them justice by not giving them a chance?They do all seem so sincere in wanting to see each other again. Oh well. Maybe I'll have a change of heart someday... but not today though.
This sucks. I've done so much typing and there still is that annoying thought. I wish I could just forget it. I wish I could just turn off a part of my brain that stores all the memories that I don't want to recall......:(
I feel so sad....I don't know why..... I mean, I should be perfectly lucky...after the streak of bad luck/karma I've had...good things are starting to flow.....but why am I so sad??? I guess I better sign off now. Get ready to head home. Till tomorrow.
:: Me 1:33 AM [+] ::
...

Here I am again. At work. It's lunch and I've got some time to burn so I decided to post again. Well.. Nothing much happened since yesterday. Speaking of sh*tty things that I was talking about yesterday..... There's one thing that's still nagging my thoughts these days. I know I said I'd start over and all... But I guess that's easier said than done. Anyway, that sounds vague... But I'll get into that with more detail probably in my succeeding posts coz I just decided that I really don't feel like it right now. It's too depressing and frustrating. Talking about it would only get me down. And I'm actually feeling pretty frisky right now... that's a rare thing.... so I'd rather keep it that way. Even though the reason for this is probably just the cup of hazelnut frothe I just downed minutes ago. Oh well..frisky is frisky! hehehe.
Anyway, I chatted with my old friend, Ericka, from high school this morning. She's lives in LA now. We actually planned a vacation that we would go on in... say... 2-3 years from now when we'd have become fabulously rich and gorgeous! LoL! Well, there's no harm in dreaming. It's actually weird how when she lived here we never saw each other after high school... and I'm certain we never called each other up too. But then here we are now... thousands of miles apart.... and we're reestablishing our friendship by way of email, cellular phones, and IMs. Which just goes to show that technology can indeed do wonders for relationships! On the otherhand... technology's only a tool... but it's really up to the person if he/she wants the relationship to work out. Anyway... let me just sneak out of this relationship talk before I bring up some other things that I'd rather not bring up at the moment.
I just found out last night that my mom's pushing through with her trip to Singapore. She's meeting up with my dad who's undergoing some simulator training over there. Lucky mom. Well, she deserves a break anyway. She's leaving at dusk tomorrow and she'll be back on Jan. 15...that's next Wednesday. Meanwhile, I'm actually getting an anxiety attack right now from thinking about what's going to happen around the house while she's gone...coz guess who'll be left in charge! Well, i'm not exactly jumping for joy... it's not a priviledge... it's a curse i tell you. If my siblings think they are just gonna walk in and out of the house and come and go as they please...leaving me with all the work! HAH! well, they better think twice coz I'm ALSO in charge of the finances. LoL! So they better recognize or else they don't get any dough. Hehe... aren't I a meanie? Well... that sounds like a plan to me! Oh man.. but i'm actually going to miss my mom. She better bring me back some goodies !
Well, I guess I better get back to work. There's actually something to do now. Have to learn all this Visual Basic stuff in 7 days! I'm only in Chapter 2 so I better get to it. Toodle oo.
:: Me 9:25 PM [+] ::
...

New year, new start. A lot of sh*t happened in the previous year. Perhaps a bit too much. But let's not go through all that again. It's always a good to start anew... and what perfect time than New year to do just that. So here I am... only a week into the new year... and I guess you could say that I'm doing pretty well. For starters, I got myself a brand new job. I've been working for just a little over a month for this IT company. So far so good. I meanm, so what if I knew zilch about computer programming and such? They hired me, didn't they? It's their problem. LoL! Oh well... the really cool thing about this job is that you get all the training you need. It's like... you start computer school from Day 1. So I'm really not that far off from my colleagues who've actually got background in this industry. And I am learning a lot. Really. Mind you, I've never been this attentive back in college. If I had, I probably would've graduated with one of those latin awards. LoL! Anyway, who would've thought, right? Me, a programmer! That's a pretty far out image. I mean, I love computers and all... find them to be an utterly useful device and one of the most ingenious inventions ever. But to actually tinker with the internal workings of the taken for granted, user-friendly programs? Nuh uh. I didn't think so. I've always envisioned those Silicon Valley types as really geeky people who've lost their sense of reality and whose entire lives revolved around an electronic box. Au contraire... I never knew they could be cool people...ahem... Lol. Anyway, I still can't believe I've landed a job so quickly whereas most of my college peers are still in the enviable state of a seemingly permanent vacation. For them it's Hakuna matata...no worries... eat, drink, and be merry! But then again, some people are fortunate enough to not have to/need to lift a finger and still maintain a life of luxury and pleasure. I guess you can tell that I'm not one of them. But honestly, I don't mind. Back in school I was a permanent shade of green. I mean, to have so little in the midst of people who had everything... it hammers away at your self esteem. But then again, i never had much of that to start with anyway. I used to envy extremely wealthy people...detested them even. Life just didn't seem fair. But now I sorta pity them rich folks. I don't mean to generalize or anything...but most of their kind who never get to experience hard work are missing the very essence of living. Okay, enough of this... I'm getting strangely philosophical now. Yuck. I hate it when I'm philosophical. It brings out the worst in me somehow.
So anyway, i've a job... i'm on my way to greatness!!! Lol! A little idealism won't hurt. At least I've started the year right. And for once I am darn proud of myself! :)






:: Me 12:36 AM [+] ::
...

hello! hmmm... testing.
:: Me 11:09 PM [+] ::
...